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A New Year Ramble

Rebecca sitting forward in her wheelchair
Image Description: Rebecca, a white woman with long brown hair, wears a green, blue and yellow velvet long-sleeve top and yellow trousers and shoes. She is sitting forward in her power chair, resting her head on her left arm. Behind her is a white wall.

Dear Reader,,

Last week I wrote something on Instagram about not living up one’s expectations put your own. This time of year there is such an emphasis on starting a fresh and ‘bringing the best version of you’, but what if you don’t want to do that? Or feel fine as you are? Or just think that whole thing is just a bit anxiety provoking?  There is so much hype around a ‘New Year, new you’ and comes with an intense pressure for self-improvement, but if we’re honest this whole fascination with newness is just temporary-so why do we do it to ourselves? We are already are dealing with a lot navigating this human experience, so why burden ourselves with these unnecessary thoughts?

When I returned to writing after a few weeks off, I felt a bit distant in relation to this. I’m unsure why. It felt like the weather reflected my mood. It was grey and wet. I felt grey and a little like Ms Misery Guts. I did the exact opposite of what I wrote in this post and I thought about how I ‘needed’ to just to be a lot more than what I am, to do more-what? I don’t know but there was a hovering question mark that I just couldn’t bat away.

I then did something which I never do, what all the creative greats say never to do: sat and waited. Literally. I waited for an idea to come to me. I don’t even know why on earth I did this. I know this is not how this process works. In a speech that Elizabeth Gilbert gave years back, the way that she described the act of making art translated to me as a union between the person and creativity-defining creativity as separate to the person-. The person and creativity both playing a part, both working together to produce something. So by me sitting in front of my laptop not really trying, the ceremony of creativity was never really going to commence, not putting myself in service mode and doing my part. I was holding myself hostage, not allowing myself to dance with creativity. I was looking in from the outside about the fascinating wonder and vibrancy of this activity and just yearning to be part of it. All the while forgetting and overlooking that I am a part of this process and so in order to feel the buzz of creativity, I need to work for it- more accurately work with it!

This hard focus on creativity, throwing an internal tantrum hears a voice full of doubt and kidding oneself out of what it is that there doing, and it makes it feels like the cogs are stubbornly stationary- the solution?  I don’t know if there’s one big solution. I think it’s more about trial and error, being gentle and keep going-something that perhaps at that moment feels a bit difficult to do. 

This perspective could perhaps be extended to other aspects of life. Most of us have this incessant need to get things right and it can prevent us from enjoying what we’re doing too. Again there’s no quick fix. Though I do think that it again by just doing little bits and not getting hung up on the idea of perfection and go with our gut perhaps we can breakthrough this.

I guess the point of this post is to say just take your time and try not to be pressured or think that you need to live up to some sort of expectation. Do things your way and not in the way that you think how things should be done. And finally don’t let sense of New Year trick you in to thinking that you have to change something, because you really don’t.

All my love XX

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Seeing Yourself As Enough

Dear Reader,

Ever get that feeling that you’re not enough? That you’re not doing enough? That what you are right now and who you are is not enough? Well this is something that can honestly feel quite lonely and depletes one’s energy and when in such a mind-set….the hope of this turning round does not seem like a move that can be made. However it’s me who is writing this post and even though I can annoy the crap out of myself being a positive Polly and sometimes just wanting to see the volume of water that is in the glass in whatever damn way (without a psychological explanation being attached to this), it is true that this is not a feeling that is felt by a singular person- it is experienced by many.

It feels like I’ve gone off into the deep end, I didn’t mean to here but fear of not doing enough are thoughts that I have been experiencing of late. Back in May I shared on my social media that I had been experiencing pain as a result of my Cerebral Palsy, which meant I couldn’t do very much at all for a while, and for someone like me who always wants to be a busy bee this was kinda hard. Since then these aches have been on and off depending on how much I’ve been doing. It’s that knowing that I’m not doing, not continually moving forwards, which at these times are my more prominent thoughts, the insistent chatter of what I could be doing clogs up the ol’ mind. Somehow this has more of an importance than it did before. I guess it’s a classic case of when you can’t do something, you want to do things even more with the imagination running wild with ideas. Ohhh how the mind chatters!

Sitting there with all these thoughts was kind of like toying with someone else’s story-it wasn’t I who was living out that day, it was a character I created in my brain. A character with no flaws who navigated a flawless day-ironically, this whole idea is flawed! The thing is by participating in such creativity and building a picture of a person of who you think you should be kind of puts one into self-destruction mode, picking out parts of oneself that aren’t enough, that they should be more focussed- basically berating anything that makes one human-the mistakes, the getting things wrong, the going at a different pace to everyone else, the not living up to expectations people or even you had of yourself … the list is endless. All this obsession over what you think you don’t measure up to will only make you feel worse.

I do think now more than ever we need to be kind to ourselves as well as each other. This year has thrown everyone sideways in one way or another, yet we can find ways to tear ourselves down and tell ourselves that we should be doing more or that we’re not doing what we should be. There is no ‘right’ way to think, but if we just found a way not to be too harsh or expect too much of ourselves and be a bit more gentle maybe we would start to feel a little lighter in a world that already seems so heavy. I guess what I want to say is that it’s okay if you are not where you thought you would be, focus on where you are and the pathways that could lead from there. It goes without saying that everyone will experience peaks and trots and just because you find yourself at a low, up against a challenge, facing a flare up, it does not mean you can’t get back or that it will be like this forever. I am saying this to you as well as myself, do not let these not so great days define who you are.

There’s that saying ride the wave. Although this can seem like a fleeting statement, it actually does have some merit-stay with me here. Instead of fighting what you are experiencing and burying yourself down some dark rabbit hole, I started to realise, when I had to take a break from things that rather than focusing on whether or not I was measuring up to being enough or trying to justify to myself as to why I was not doing thing, I started think about how just resting and being more present could just help the future me: if I rest now, I’ll be able to do more later.

All my love XX

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Honey I’m Home!!

Dear Reader,

It has been a real long while since I have posted anything on here and I have missed blogging, I really have. I guess it that good ol’ excuse of life getting in the way. But when thinking of it, it’s actually me getting in the way of myself…I mean it’s me who make plans and then break than again. So on behalf of me, that part of me that is the putter offer, that part of me that has made a big, brighter, endless list for tomorrow, I am sorry.

While I have be absent in here I must confess, I have cheated on you with other social media, namely Instagram. I have ever more ripped off the seal that was keeping shut tight the lid on my disability and my thoughts around this, as well as going a bit ninja (as my bestie would say) and have started to speak about things that do not sit right with me- the stereotype around disability and how stigma NEEDS to end. Now.

Now, don’t worry I am still full of rainbow fluffiness happiness and that will not change, but in order for this rainbow fluffiness happiness to continue things need to be aired, views need to be discussed and challenged and we need to stop being so darn polite and just say if something is bothering us- like can people just treat me as another human being and not treating me as if I am the disability? I still think in today’s society a lot needs to be done for it to be a place that is fully inclusive and rather than, or only, accepting differences but embracing differences too.

On here, on this blog was were my love affair with writing begin, and without sounding like Joe Goldberg from You (a Netflix series, surrounding a guy obsessed with, and a therefore “would do anything for” love-and this really does mean ANYTHING!), where I found you. It was through writing I found a way to express what I found difficult to say aloud. Reader this felt utterly freeing and found that the Queen of vulnerability, Brene Brown was right, vulnerability does pave the pathway for connection. Sharing parts of my story, expressing my thoughts on my disability, only allowed me to get to know others that have gone through similar things.

I guess I wanted to remind you that letting people see who you are is important. Why? Because it means that you don’t have to continue to hide and make up this idea of someone who is not you. Because you can start to see who you are and feel your power. Because by doing so you will feel less lonely; in this world of social media and by sharing your experiences there will be people reading/hearing your words and will resonate with them and maybe reach out. At the back of this they will also feel less alone in the world, finally finding someone with a similar story to them.

I want to ask you not to be afraid to using your voice-your voice is your power. It is your weapon that no one can destroy. Use it well dear Reader. I am right behind you.

I intent to show my face on here a little more this year. I hope I will see you here too, hoping we can thrive together.

Until next time

All my love XX

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You Can!!

?✨Happy Magic Monday my Fabulous Ones ✨?

This a reminder at the start of the week, that you, yes YOU, can do anything ?? Turn them thoughts into reality and make yourself proud???✨

Illustration by @soolooka

[Image description : There are two illustrations of plant pots. On one plant pot there is writing that reads ‘I can’t do it ‘ with a small bud. The other pot has writing on it that says ‘I can do it’ with a tall flower with smiley face drawn on the flower head. There is an illustration of a person turning towards the pot with the flower with a magic wand in there hand. Above this illustration reads the words ‘everyone has magic power to make a thought grow’. And underneath reads ‘make sure you choose the thoughts that make your life better’. The background of this illustration is purple. This illustration is by @soolooka]

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Be bold. Be you

✨?✨ Happy Magic Monday my Fabulous Ones ✨?✨

Just an important reminder today to keep doing things for you, without the need to impress or hide behind this ? Be bold, be you ❤️

Illustration by @naturallifez?

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Be Proud of Yourself

✨?✨ Happy Magic Monday my Fabulous Ones ✨?✨

Being proud of ones self is something I continually strive for! It used to be something I would run from and think of all the opposite things… very unhelpful! But now I am working on being proud of myself, it’s a very healthy quality to have!!

Who’s with me? Let’s kick off this week by finding things in ourselves we are proud of!???

Lovely illustration by @littlearthlings

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Make Room For Your Challanges

Dear Reader,

Here we are just over a month into 2019, a sense of newness is around, resolutions have been made and we are all willing for changes. This time of year I have never been a great fan of, anticipation is heighted about what could be before us, there is a force to do greater, to do better, be fit and healthy, to implement visions and get all of the above done now… or if your anything like me a minute ago!!! These are more than enough thoughts to handle before we turn towards looking at judgement passed by others, talking among themselves having a classic mothers meeting, with the top topic of the agenda being whether ‘she has stuck to what she committed to doing ’. Well, forgive my ignorance (or don’t), but it is clear to see what these people have committed to and sadly are not about to break this anytime soon!! However, we, on the other hand, can keep on being out fabulous selves, trying and trying again to do our best!!

The tittle of this blog post, Make Room For Your Challanges, is one that at first glance my stir up negative emotions, be confusing and may even say it’s a slight contradiction to what I continue to say to you-but it’s not, don’t switch off just yet!!

I like to think that by now you know that I’m not one to back down and run from a challenge, if anything it makes me more determined to face it. This year I have, like many, made promises to myself, some which are the classic –be more healthier- and some are more personal to change some of my thinking habits to have a little more positive energy and to do things rather than day dreaming of things that ‘would it be nice’ . For a couple of Sundays now I have tried to plan my week ahead (in none other than a fabulous unicorn diary!!) in order to get my thoughts/ideas on to paper and make a plan- if I don’t, I try to do everything at once and so the absolute opposite happens: nothing gets done or a little of a few tasks get done but no one thing gets complete!!

The downside to planning things is that some time when plan, we plan in accordance to a ‘perfect’ day, week, month…. But what happens if things don’t quite work out the way you envisioned? What happens when not so pleasant things happen or we lose our mojo or we just didn’t give ourselves enough time needed? Well, most likely what we do when that happens is we scrap the plan completely, maybe mull over why things have turned out the way we want it to and wait for another ‘perfect’ day to start again!. As I have mentioned to you once or twice before that as part of my Cerebral Palsy I experience tremors, which varies from day to day, and this can have a knock on effect on what I am doing and therefore slows everything down, which, you guessed, leaves a very dissatisfied me! I think this feeling of deflation comes, at times like this, from not being able to fulfil the intentions I had for that day, week or month and leaves that thought of ever being on that treadmill with oh so much to do!!

Even though we like to kid ourselves that we can go 100mph, sometimes it is just not possible and it’s kinda isn’t healthy. This is why to me we should make room for our challenges. This does not mean that we are being defined by them but we are working not to be defined by them. When we move a stretch too far and work against our challenges this can cause us to slip one too many steps behind, we become irritated and come to the conclusion that it is better to give up. However when we take into consideration our hurdles and what that could imply, we can move forward encompassing moments of when our obstacles may show their face without being held back by them. It is from here we can make permanent changes to help fulfil our visions.

Acknowledge your challenges, get to know them and make time for them, instead of letting your challenges ruling you!! How are you going to make room for your challenges??

All my love XX

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It’s The Little Things

✨?✨ Happy Magic Monday my Fabulous Ones ✨?✨

It’s the little things that can bring so much joy to you day and can give you so much encouragement ? @emilycoxhead happy jar is filled with positive notes and can be little pick-me-ups especially on those days that don’t feel that magic. These are the first two notes I have picked out. I get so excited every time I pick out a new one ✨Thank you so much @mermaiidmairead for this beautiful gift???✨

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Heartbeats

?✨? Happy Magic Monday ?✨?

This is a little note just remember to always go with the rhythm of your heart ??✨

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Be A Leader

?✨?Happy Magic Monday My Fabulous Ones ?✨?

This is you reminder that no one has control over your life but you. You are the leader. You are director. You are the author. Do not let anyone else hold your pen ???