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The Mystery Blogger Award Nomination

Dear Reader,

I got the most lovely gesture from fellow blogger, With Being Alive, nominating me for The Mysterty Blogger Award-thank you sooo much for this. With Being Alive is a blog with inspiring words about living beyond Mental illness and not letting it being the definition of who she is! In other words, in my language- a fabulous human!!! Her words are so honest and because of this, she allows her readers to deeply connect with her posts, I know I have!! You can check out her blog here!

So, what is the Mystery Blogger Award?

Well the creator of this award, Okoto Enigma, says “It’s an award for amazing bloggers with ingenious posts. Their blog not only captivates; it inspires and motivates. They are one of the best out there, a1nd they deserve every recognition they get. This award is also for bloggers who find fun and inspiration in blogging, and they do it with so much love and passion.”

The rules are:

  • Put the award logo/image on your blog.
  • List the rules.
  • Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
  • Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well.
  • Tell your readers 3 things about yourself.
  • You have to nominate 10 – 20 people.
  • Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog.
  • Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice; with one weird or funny question (specify).
  • Share a link to your best post(s).

My questions from With Being Alive were:

What is your favourite song and why?

Gosh, that’s a hard question because there is sooo many!! But at the moment I am really into anything by Chic!! The classic are the best!! They have such feel good songs to make Everybody Dance ; )!!!

How has your blogging changed since you first began?

Blogging has changed me in so many way! When I first started blogging it  was just something to do, writing about the world around me with a glass half full attitude. Months and months down the line a started to be a little more open and honest, sharing a little about me and my disability.  Through writing about this it made me think about disability in different ways, motivating others not to be defined by a label. So blogging has made me more open and my passion for writing has got stronger. This sounds cliché but writing has truly made a difference to my life!!

Where is your most favourite place?

Last year my Sister and I went to Greace. We spend most of our time on the beach, sitting on the shore allowing the sea to take the weight of our legs! It was that moment where I felt most alive looking across the endless blue sea and in complete peace!! Every time life seems to get a bit manic I go back to that place in my mind. And that is my favorite place!

If there was a movie about you, who would you want to play your character?

Ohh nice question! The one and only Julia Roberts – She is just an amazing actress

What is your favourite word and why?

My favourite would is equality because it means fairness and that how I think the world should function-How beautiful would the world be if it did?!

Three things about me:

  1. I love penguins!!! I have not one, not two, but three penguin bears, three sets of penguin pyjamas, a duvet with a mamma, papa and baby penguin on it, penguin gloves and to confirm my penguin obsession my sister recently got me a mug with the words “Crazy Penguin Lady.” But how can you not adore their little walk?!!
  2. My favourite quote is by Hafiz and it goes: “Even after all this time, the sun never says to the earth, ‘You owe me.’ Look what happens with a love like that. It lights up the whole sky.”
  3. This is a weird one, but if I was an animal I would be a bird- I could go anywhere I liked, when I liked (listening to Everybody Dance 😉 )!!

According to WordPress, my best blog post was Mermaid and I. This was also my favourite post to write!

My Mystery Award Nominations are:

My question are:

  1. What do you like most about blogging?
  2. Who or what motivates you?
  3. If you had a super power, what would it be?
  4. Music or books(including audio books)? Which one could you live without? You have to pick one.
  5. What would is your golden rule for life?

 

I am really looking forward to reading your answers! Please do not feel pressuried to respond as I know this is not everyone’s type of thing! Thank you so much again to With Being Alive for your nomination, I really enjoyed doing this.

 

All my love XX

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A New Perspective of New Year

Dear Reader,

Wishing you, my dearest fabulous one, a very Happy New Year!

The start of a new year has a tendency to connote expectations and in turn induce pressure to live up to these. This is where our friend fear makes an appearance and dances upon joy, which should be soaring at the prospect of a new year! We hear chatter of ‘new year resolutions,’ spoken half-heartedly not because they are lying but because somewhere deep inside they are questioning themselves: “Will I be able to fulfil this resolution?” “How long will this resolution last?” I have done this. I have done this sooo many times. I said I would do this, this and this and by the end of the month most of my aims, if not all, would be inactive. I then might feel like a fraud to myself and go down that rabbit hole for a while. Then I might think ‘oh new year just sucks.’ This is a sequence of events that have been repeated several times, until one year I this skipped to the last part and completely forgot the beauty of a new year!

I recently read how we get a brand new year totally for free. A- HA! YES! BINGO! Finally it has clicked I thought! I interpreted this as going back to being grateful and thankful for the opportunity of seeing a new year! We have a whole year to fulfil our wishes, create our own magic and evolve into the person we want to be, developing in our strengths! We can do all this without setting New Year‘s resolutions and chiding ourselves for not doing the thing that we think we should be doing! So what if you have a bad day; as much as it would be a brilliant to be a go-getter every day, we all have dips of motivation. But that does not mean that you have failed, or that you should give up, or that your spark has gone forever, it just means you need to rest and retreat in another love to reset your mind for a while.

If you resonated with my first thought of the idea of New Year, thinking it was something to be feared doing a negative introspection, please I ask you now to stop this. Stop wishing your year away and remember the beauty that maybe uncovered in the year ahead. Who knows what this year could bring you?

All my love XX

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The Gift of Breath at Christmas

Dear Reader,

It is so unbelievable that I am writing a Christmas post to you again- I am sure Santa’s sleigh just touched back down in the North Pole! Ok, you got me, I might be a bit of a secret believer – but I did think that that last time that we spoke we established that the possibilities were endless?? 😉

Anyhow!! How are your festive preparations going? Are you ready? Have you done all your shopping yet? Have you got many things crossed of your list? What’s left? Do you know where or how you are spending Christmas? And what is the dish of that day? Wow that time is ticking so fast, are you sure you will be prepared in time?..Oh, and how are you??

Mmm, sound familiar. This is the sound of panicked voices, voices that cries the need for perfection, voices that are carried by the wave of Christmas mania, voices the have not learnt to breathe yet! This time of year can be a complete carousel of emotions, thought and behaviours, all feeding into and maintaining one another only speeding up more and more; the vision of everything else becomes blurry, or is seen in only one way. This can be also applied to anytime of the year. These voices have been listening to this tune and anything else that has made them participate in pass the parcel; they have yet to listen to themselves and the things that really matter. I think we are all guilty of this at one point or another, whether we meant to or not- you included so put down your ego hat, it’s not that warm anyway. I know I have been caught in this trap; I have moments where I think won’t get things done on time and spend an equal amount of time thinking how I can work around it and in the mix of it all, I forgot what I should rather be doing. If we were all to take a breath lose focus on what we are focusing on and find our focus in what our intentions are, how would this change?

My focus would be to make sure I am doing things with happiness and pleasure, without pressure- being wholehearted in what I am doing will have more of a positive impact, rather than doing things just because-. My focus would be to participate in things that would only aid my development and allow me to feel alive. My focus would be to be grateful for all and who I have in my life- life is far too precious, do things and speak with love-.

This Christmas remember the true meaning of this season, of goodwill. Think of others who may be less fortunate without judgement as you do not know their story; even if you are not in a position to help, just by thinking of them and wishing that they will seek comfort can go a long way. Smile at a stranger who you pass by, it might be the only smile that they will receive today. Go forward with gratitude and allow yourself a moment to enjoy your own company!

This year my lovely Sister is running a campaign to raise awareness of Mental Health, a cause which is close to our hearts. My sister has designed and made chokers, which can be found on her online shop, with 50% of the profit of every choker sold going to the U.K. charity, MIND. This time of year can be hugely challenging for those with poor mental health and can trigger lots of negative thoughts and feelings. MIND work tirelessly to provide resources to support those who are struggling with their mental health, which can be even more testing over the Christmas period. Each and every penny that is donated will go towards helping maintain their fantastic services they provide and will allow them to reach more people who are in desperate need of help. More information about this cause and how you can get yourself one of these chokers will be can be found here.

I sincerely wish you peace and happiness this Christmas.

All my love XX

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I Am Proud of Me!!!

Dear Reader,

A few months ago, when I posted Here’s to you! Here’s to me! Here’s to us! I asked you to celebrate you and the amazing things you have achieved; no matter how big or small you think they are, they ARE significant!! I would like to share with you something very important to me that I achieved over the last few months!!!

*Search for the little girl inside of you needed for this part.* As young girls, some of us admired the magic and mystery of dress up and make-up taking notice of what routines our mums and/or other influential women in our life undertook as they got ready. The curious little ladies that we were, would be vocal with our curiosity and ask questions such as “What are you putting on your lips?” She would reply and show us how the lipstick is applied and ask us to be their model and apply the glitzy lipstick on us, hell yes we thought-we are already in position!!! “Now press you lips together for that beautiful smooth finish” she would say after putting it on our lips, showing us this action. We would then copy with excitement and maybe do this action countless times, (yep I did this,- I’m pretty sure that lipstick didn’t stay long on!!) feeling really adult!!!

When we get older we might develop more of an interest in make-up and wearing a little ourselves, wanting to be a little woman. I know I did!  I was around 14 when I got my first powder – it was in a round, mint green box by Miss Sporty I felt so excited to try it out-the little woman in me was unleashed! As you might know, if you have visited my blog before, I have Cerebral Palsy and as part of how I am affected is that my hands can be a little uncoordinated, so me applying make-up…well you could definitely I see I had something on my face but I am not so sure that it would have been finished look I was aiming for! So to avoid looking like a clown or something along those lines, someone else would apply my make-up, this would be either my mum or my sister. I feel really grateful that that these beautiful ladies- who are my influential women of all time- took time to help me get ready and knew that it was important to me but as I got older and especially recently I wondered what it would be like to do my own make-up when going out.

So…..instead of just wondering-because we all know that don’t lead anywhere most of the time- a few months ago I thought I would try. At first I was worried in case I couldn’t do it and scrutinize what I might have done, comparing it to a picture in my mind, and be more annoyed than before with not being able ‘to go and do my thing.’ Whilst having these thoughts I then realized I am doing the exact opposite of what I say to others when they experience symptoms of fear, telling them to ‘just go for it.’ Having answered myself the question to ‘what I would say to someone else?’, I psyched myself up and decided I would just see what happens; I took out my make-up bag, sat at my  dressing table and started to apply! I started with my powder, took my time and just allowed myself to enjoy the feeling of DOING my own make-up! Now, as you know I am a big supporter of self-belief, but it is nice to seek reassurance when you are not 100% sure on something. So on this day I asked my sister for advice on how the make-up looked. It turned out I didn’t do too badly!!

From that day, I have continued to do my own make up when going out, getting better and more confident with this. The feeling of getting ready has totally changed, getting ready is definitely more fun!!! The other day my sister and I were going out and we could get ready TOGETHER, rather than my sister doing my make up for me. With this we could ask each questions, such as ‘have I got too much blusher on?’ and just enjoy the getting ready process, whilst jamming to some tunes of course!!

There might be some who will read this and not ‘get’ why being able to put on make-up is a big deal but duuuude, it is-to me it is-.  Being able to do something you couldn’t do before is a huge deal giving you such an empowering feeling-you know all thatdetermination and hard work has paid off!! Dig deep and shout your personal achievements loudly and proudly!!! You could start-if you wanted-by sharing in the comments below, what you are proud of yourself for?

Looking forward to celebrating you!!

All my love XX

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Keep Your Passion Alive!!!

Dear Reader,

Let me start of by saying how sorry I am for being off the blogging radar this month. Writing to you is something I, wholeheartedly, hold dear, being able to write to you is refreshing, knowing that I will hopefully be understood by and connect  with you due to the platform you are meeting me and I am meeting you on; both having a passion for word and a love to explore thoughts and feelings.

BUT this does not explain my silence on From This Window this month, nor would any excuse. But what I can say is that you have not been forgotten, I promise you that. While I haven’t been sharing with you thoughts, I have been planning posts for the coming weeks, which I am very excited to share with you. I think at times we all need space to grow and sometimes that may mean taking a step back, in order to seek clarity of your direction. I guess my reason for writing this post is to say not to lose sight and hope of your passions, keep it close and to remember it is a part of who you are- exercise that passion like it’s a muscle, in any way that feels right for you!!

I won’t be too far away- doing happy dance of excitement to write to you again already!! Wishing you had a wonderful October and enjoying autumn.

Remember, my fabulous one, to live well and be happy!!

All my love XX

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Autumn Sunshine

Photos in this post were taken by my beautiful sister, she can be found @thewanderingmermaid_xox

Dear Reader,

This time of year, many of us experience the all to common and perhaps overly thought ‘summer blues’; long hazy days are shortening, day trips in the great outdoors are more depended on ‘weather permitting’ and if we do decide to go we make sure we have an umbrella or a coat or something warm or anything we think we might need ‘just in case.’ We think the best and brightness days of the year are mostly behind us, wishing for summer to come back sooner than scheduled!!

But can I let you into a secret?? As well as summer I also love autumn! There is so much excitement in a new season; different things to do, different pace of life (maybe you have exciting things coming or may it time for you to have a little peaceful recline), different atmosphere. More noticeably nature shows us how change can be so very wonderful; the colour of the leafs turning from vibrant green to golden brown and shades of purple, the fresher, the fresher air making you feel more revitalised, the crunchy sound as you walk on the many fallen leafs on the footpath and you being an expectant witness of an elegantly falling leaf as it finds its place on the ground. The latter imagery of autumn may bring about an air of sadness and of loss with the idea of things ending, but, like everything, there is ALWAYS a flip side; falling leaves demonstrate the need for something new.

2017-09-28 12.47.49_1506599446887

The above quote beautifully captures a definition of autumn and connote that it does need to be so melancholic: nature, like humans, is a process of continual growth, shedding those things which do not serve this growth in order for more flourishing acts to take place-for nature this means developing its hypnotising colours ready to display them in spring and for humans this means developing in our strengths so that we can radiate our vibrancy. So autumn acts, metaphorically, as a backdrop for personal growth. Identifing the things you need to let go of is diffcult, thinking those are the very things that will keep you safe but actually they are keeping you captive. What is it you want to develop? What is it you need to let go off in order for this growth to take place? The next time you take an autumn walk and see leaves fluttering in the air think of the things you want to let go of and imagine they were the very leaf that passed you by. Breathe and let go. Enjoy the autumnal landscape and all the beauty it has to offer!! Redefine YOUR autumn!!

All my love XX

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Choose To Be Grateful

*This photo was taken by my beautiful Sister

Dear Reader,
What are you grateful for? What, in reflection, makes you thankful for the breath you are breathing?

Gratitude for the life I lead is something I have felt so deeply recently and want to share my thoughts with you! My trail of thought has been inspired by the multitude of devastation that have occurred in the world over the previous months and just this week the horrific conditions of the third world have been highlighted  once again- kindness is still in a severe drought.

We so very seldom stop and think; living in a fast paced society, trying to ‘keep up with the Joneses,’ pushing to be the best, and maybe, when our ego comes into play, try to outdo others. These primitive activities that society has created leave little or no room to think outside of our bubble, or what this bubble even denotes. So often we complain of not having enough, beginning sentences with “I wish I had,” but in fact those desirers- you and I- have hold of things others just dream of. This leads me to the thinking, and I will speak for myself here (as I don’t know your situation), how in fact I do have a luxurious lifestyle. Before you get ahead of yourself and create ungraspable, idyllic picture perhaps thinking that I’m some pompous jerk, not actually aware of what I am writing and how you may feel as a result of this-let me explain. When someone thinks of luxury and being luxurious they may associate it with having glistening diamonds, designer clothes, going to dinners at fancy restaurants etc., but in fact luxury is more to do with the ability to choose.

The ability to choose is something for I have in everyday day life. For example right from the morning I can DECIDE if I WANT to shower and with what soap, I can DECIDE whether I WANT a strong coffee OR tea and DECIDE how much milk and how many sugars I WANT, I can DECIDE whether I’ll start my day with cereal (and what type?) OR toast (and any toppings?) OR a cooked breakfast, then I can DECIDE what to wear, which could be based on weather OR the activities of the day, the day goes on I make more decisions- how I WANT to communicate with others by face-to-face OR ringing OR texting OR emailing OR through social media and what other activities I WANT to do that day and what, where, when, to have lunch/dinner. All these decisions that I make are MY choices in order to carve out the day and life I WANT.  These decisions and the notion of making everyday decisions, denotes luxuries yet I forget this way too often, luxuries that for many are unheard of- if I exchanged a ‘day in the life of..’ note with someone less fortunate than me, what  would I uncover? What would be different? Would anything be similar? What decisions would they have? How would this make them feel? What would they be grateful for?

I’m not saying that I should or anyone else who is lives a day made from a library of choices should feel guilty, unworthy or deny ourselves of the things, but we should be grateful; grateful for the environment we live in, grateful that live the life we do, grateful for the people round us and grateful for ourselves to experience the wonders our life however happy or sad as we can develop from this, allowing us to become stronger people. We were given this life to live it our way, using the tools we have; yearning for things we wished we had or that we think would make life better is ludicrous. Look within; what do you have to be grateful for? Look around you; what do you have to be grateful for? Celebrate your life and ALL you have!!!

All my love XX

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Here’s to you! Here’s to me! Here’s to us!

Dear Reader,

A big congratulation to you for making and experiencing another day!! You, me and the rest of the world were put on this very planet for definite, unique and individualised reasons; some of us know why and soaks up all of what that path has to offer, some of us know why but refuse to believe the reasons for their existence, some of us do not why and carries the weight of the ‘puzzling’ world on their shoulders and  then there are some that do not know their reason for existence but-to hell with logic-they dance in the moment.  I’d like to think that currently I am living somewhere in the last category. I definitely don’t have a mapped out plan of ‘where I’d like to be in five years’ time’ nor do I want one because that would be freakishly scary and kind of boring; seriously where is the excitement in knowing what kind of job you’ll have or where you’ll be in the world or what relationships you’ll have- everything is always changing anyway! I wasn’t always and am not always the chillaxing-to-the-max kind of girl; I always needed or wanted a plan knowing which paths I should take and which ones I should dodge. When I first appeared not to have a plan I freaked out, thinking, panicking ‘what now?‘ But I was still alive, I had people I could talk it out with, there was opportunities- or I had opportunities if I was to open my mind-, an0d I had me!!

Within all this internal roaming and frantic search to mute the bellowing siren which was going off inside the mind, I forgot how far I’ve come, what I had and how just to be. If I’m honest I think most of us go through these moments, moments that interrupts and halts a carefree day.  But as soon as this white noise aims to overtake, starting to play with your imagination and predicting the future- a future that is a fable because it is not here yet-, stop the racing thoughts and reflect.  Reflect on you and what you have achieved. Think back to those times where you have proved can’t wrong and have gone out there and TOTALLY ACED IT! This is by no means easy and celebrating yourself could sound a bit alien to you- it did to me too- and a little egotistical- it did to me too-but you and I are the only ones who allow ourselves to pursue and accomplish our set goals so it only makes sense for us to give ourselves a well done. This could mean that you faced a day where you wished you could have skipped over- you got through it, you survived: high five; the wishes and visions you had-you are now putting into practice: high five; those who said “you can’t”-  you did: high five; the unhelpful thoughts that were planted in your mind- you have let go of: high five;  you know that no one in the world is like you AND because of that the world has been waiting for you: come on, let’s hug it out!!!

You may have read my posts before (a huge thank you for coming back!) and therefore might know that I have something called Cerebral Palsy (a condition affecting muscle coordination). So some of my achievements have been to do with overcoming the physical challenges CP faces me with, trying to strengthen my mobility so that I can be as independent as I can. More achievements relate to personal goals, being determined not to be thrown off by anyone or anything or even myself! This comes in the form of facing fears, fulfilling my passions and finding my own voice. These triumphs are reminders to keep calm when things are a bit blurry.

As I have said before, thinking about your own accomplishments is hard and it is very easy to deny yourself of your worth, saying “I got nothing.” But I bet you got an ocean of amazements inside of you!!  I bet I’m right! How small or big you think your accomplishments are does not determine its credibility or worthiness of celebration. It’s about YOU and what YOU have overcome! Anything that’s fills you with excitement, anything that makes you jump for joy, anything that makes you feel alive, matters!! I hope that as you read this, you have thought of things that you have overcome please hold on to them for now and for always.

All my love XX

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Thriving Together

 

Dear Reader,

Up until now I have only disclosed about my disability once, earlier this year. Finding My Shoes was a way of saying yes I have cerebral palsy but I am a lot more than that. I am a lot more than the results you would find on Google if you were to type in ‘cerebral palsy.’ I would be waving my hands over here hoping you’d asked me directly about CP and my experience, instead of using a one-dimensional medium to assemble a picture; this picture would be highly inaccurate-no definitely inaccurate-, sorry to insult your wild imagination.
I am going to add a new element to From This Window, sharing you my experience of CP. I’m not quite sure if this whole new element will work, or whether it will work at all, but I am excited to see how this path will unfold. I hope that through writing about my journey with CP I will be more able to speak about my disability more comfortably and maybe through this new dimension, other people with CP or with other obstacles can relate and together we can thrive; I’m all for dancing on my own but isn’t it exciting, sometimes, when achievements are shared and built with others!! Who’s with me?!!

I have previously described to you that for me CP is like a lifelong teacher, so I will now share with you some tips and tricks that I have learnt and still learning along way!!!

Laughter, laughter and, yep, more laughter. People that know me will know I love to laugh and try to seek fun wherever I can. I think this innate quality is what has kept me level headed with CP. Therefore in a situation quite easily seem bleak, which would allow them moody clouds to roll in, I try and see a gap between CP and me. So when I rock up in my wheelchair and meet people for the first time they might act rather strange, by this I mean they might speak in slow motion and being quite patronising as if they I trying to feed me I brain cell that I need to chomp on. Then I reply: It is so funny to watch their faces as I speak, as if I have just ripped up their treasured tales that they whole-heartedly believed about society. I almost tell them “yep, I have seen enough of you tonsils,” but that would spoil the fun! On a serious note though, it is these moments ,when you feel that you are being prejudge, is when you need to whack up that fun dial in your mind and take whatever shred of light you can. This extends to making fun out of yourself: instances where CP does it thing and throws in a few wobbles as I walk, I see it as a unique style of ballet (but my toes remain completely intact).I am not saying that it is easy because sometimes it is very hard, especially the days when  you don’t feel as fabulous as you should; but please remember time will past and your time is to precious so don’t let anyone  or anything influence your state of mind- remove the root of that weed!!

Stop looking for excuses. We are the best at making excuses for ourselves- we did invent it after all!! We blame anything we can as to why we can’t do something and then we believe in that blame and think that it is real and so it becomes, as we think, a legitimate reason for why we can’t do something. I hold my hand up and say I have excused myself from situations because I believed in the obstacle I put  in the way; my speech is slightly impaired and used this to hide behind and asked who I knew well to speak on my behalf. But I wasn’t giving myself the chance to let others hear me, already thinking that I knew how and interaction would pan out: I would say something but they wouldn’t understand, then I would repeat what I said but they still wouldn’t know what I was saying, meanwhile my face would grow red with embarrassment. BUT this was my prejudgment. Slowly, with the encouragement of family and other people around me I grew my voice and realised that, on the whole, most people did understand me, in turn this increased me self-esteem. There are still time when people don’t understand words I say, but then I think how else I can phrase this to be understood. If that don’t work, I then ask my companion to repeat what I have said. There are still times when this excuse tries to creep in, but then there’s a saying “if you did it once you can do it again.” If that don’t talk to my excuse, I don’t know what will!!

Get creative! This tip follows from the previous. Having a disability means that sometime you have to take an alternative route to get to where you want to go-who wants to be a sheep anyway(not that I have anything against sheep)?! So, you knock down the walls of “I can’t,” step out of your comfort zone, move your sorry butt and make it happen!!  For me this means thinking of the resources that I have and using them to my advantage. I am doing this right now by writing to you. I am combining my experience of CP with my passion of writing and motivating others and moving forward to be more honest and open with myself and others; by starting with something that is more natural to me, i.e. writing thoughts down, it could help me in others areas life and how I deal with situations. So, moral of the tip: use what you got!

Never feel guilty! Okay big, scary, deep, I-can’t-believe-I-could-actually-write-that-down tip!!! This is something I am still learning and maybe will always be a continuing lesson. As a result of my CP, I need assistance from others for everyday tasks; this reliance on others at times leaves me with a deep sense of guilt, knowing that they are giving up their time for me. I know the people around might think these thoughts are completely absurd and might even be hurt, which is not my intention at all and heighten my guilt in turn. But instead of continuing on this helpless and hopeless path, I can channel this guilt into gratefulness and being thankful that there are people in my life who help me and allow me to continue to make the most out of living!! This was very hard to write, but important to write-write out your demons and change them into helpful elves!!

Just forget about!! Urmmm…okay this might strange, giving these words half a sneer, but seriously dude, drop the resistance and just forget about it once in a while!! Whatever your challenge is you deserve to take a break from it and let something else capture your full attention! Don’t you ever just enjoy the freeing feeling of just being in the moment? Well, I love it! It‘s in these times when I am most myself! Disability is not a definition of me nor should I let it; it’s something I happen to have, just like I happen to be a girl. So I will go out and enjoy, singing and dancing the night away, I will face fears and go on cable cars, squeezing my friend’s  hand in the process (for that I am very sorry), I will go and find nature hidden gems and admire something so much more greater and magnificent than ever imaginable and I will laugh because, Reader, life can be beautiful if you just let it and just be you, the fun-loving, inexcusable, creative, guilt-free, care-free you!!

These tips that I have learnt have helped me tremendously and keeps me moving forward. I hope these tips has also caused you something to think about; I would truly love to know what you think and maybe you have guidelines of you own you live by to help you, feel free to share this too!! Let’s thrive together!!

All my love XX

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Midnight Whispers

Dear Reader,

Lights out.

Duvet draped over my body. My feet are cold, gently rubbing against each other to seek warmth. This motion slowly breaks down and stops. My right foot is slightly in front of the left, my right leg slightly bent. My legs begin to feel weightless, as the sink into the bedsheets. This feeling travels up my body and grows ever more floppy, retreating from concentrated movements throughout the day. My neck feels light. The soft pillow cups my left cheek as my head tries to take refuge in its comfort. I listen to the growing silence. My eyes grow heavy, and I begin to drift into the darkness of the night

Then. My door greets a familiar knock. It the sound of the night’s sinister friend. They charge in and stir the quiet mind, my eyes awake. I know and I do not know this unwelcome creature. I know their manner. I know their boldness. I know the darkened tone of their dialogue. I know their insistent beg for attention. I know their convincing ways and their ability to enchant others into their manipulative thinking. I know their ability to instil fear in others and their excitement when the see others’ mind being defeated by their dread. I know their quick disappearance when they have done their work for the night, leaving their company filled with anguish. But I do not know why they have knocked on my door-do they have no friend? I do not know why they have picked this small hour to rock up. I do not know why they are filled with such misery and why they wish to burden me with this- I was perfectly at peace with the night. I do not know why they revel in pushing someone else’s panic buttons. I do not know why they have gone out of their way to highlight and magnify the unsolved. I do not know why they then like to leave when they have my undivided attention.

This nocturnal creature places themselves neatly on the edge of my pillow and prepares to give tonight’s sermon, calculating how to uproot the foundations I build to keep them at a distance. They then start.

“You thought you got away tonight. You thought you and the night were harmonious. You thought the night would allow you to drift to your sweet dream. You stupidly thought that finally you and the night were friends. Well, may I remind you that the night has allowed me to come. You have allowed me to come. I have been watching you from afar today…. I am here to tell you of the things you did wrong and keep doing wrong.”

I turn onto my right side. Silence resumes.  I pull the duvet and tuck it underneath my chin. My eyes start to feel heavy once more. The relentless creature continues; their voice grows louder.

“I am still here, just because you have turned you back on me does not mean I turn will my back on you. You have been careless and carefree. Too careless and carefree. Today you have ignored your weaknesses and stopped them from keeping you safe, I wouldn’t like to say what this has meant. But because- I am your friend, I will tell you and because I want what best for you, I will tell you. Today you thought strength was your friend and thought they showed you a good time. They showed you a glimmer of what they are and what you could be. You played well for a while but the pretence- it showed. You cannot be that because that is not you and you are not that. Eventually, they will find out and they will leave. And not only them but the people around you, they will see who you are and what you are not and will leave too. Although you won’t be left completely on your own, I will always be here-just listen. I am here to keep you safe; to keep you from self-destruct.

I take out my left hand from underneath the duvet and clinch the duvet close to my chest. I ruminate: “Who was I today?” “What was I today” “That was not me” “What must I have looked like?” I continue to wander to the corners of my mind I would rather leave undusted, but this cruel, twisted creature has lead me into their safety and, on the contrary, my weakness “maybe they will help” I think.

“Ah I am glad you have joined me- I knew you would,” they say with delight. “Today has been a dream tomorrow you will face your reality, your harsh reality. The reality you have created. The reality you don’t want. But because strength is your foe and fear is your friend, you will keep sitting on a ride unknown and retreat from moving. This is correct for you, you are the perfect spectator and one with great imagination- just let that be you.”

Their piercing words, their harsh tone and their sense of rescue in their voice characterises them as some kind of omniscient creature, who is here to direct me. However instead of shining me into the light, this creature has leaded me into a darkened wood, leaving no signs where to place my steps. These dreaded thoughts that I have met up with again seem to soar, just like those towering, giant trees in the wood. I grow wet with sweat and feel my racing heart- I have fell into the menacing creature’s trap once more; each time finding a more darker corner, leaving the mind paralysed in thought. I hunt for their refuge. They have turned their back.

My restless mind surrenders; my eyes fall shut.

All my love XX