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Seeing Yourself As Enough

Dear Reader,

Ever get that feeling that you’re not enough? That you’re not doing enough? That what you are right now and who you are is not enough? Well this is something that can honestly feel quite lonely and depletes one’s energy and when in such a mind-set….the hope of this turning round does not seem like a move that can be made. However it’s me who is writing this post and even though I can annoy the crap out of myself being a positive Polly and sometimes just wanting to see the volume of water that is in the glass in whatever damn way (without a psychological explanation being attached to this), it is true that this is not a feeling that is felt by a singular person- it is experienced by many.

It feels like I’ve gone off into the deep end, I didn’t mean to here but fear of not doing enough are thoughts that I have been experiencing of late. Back in May I shared on my social media that I had been experiencing pain as a result of my Cerebral Palsy, which meant I couldn’t do very much at all for a while, and for someone like me who always wants to be a busy bee this was kinda hard. Since then these aches have been on and off depending on how much I’ve been doing. It’s that knowing that I’m not doing, not continually moving forwards, which at these times are my more prominent thoughts, the insistent chatter of what I could be doing clogs up the ol’ mind. Somehow this has more of an importance than it did before. I guess it’s a classic case of when you can’t do something, you want to do things even more with the imagination running wild with ideas. Ohhh how the mind chatters!

Sitting there with all these thoughts was kind of like toying with someone else’s story-it wasn’t I who was living out that day, it was a character I created in my brain. A character with no flaws who navigated a flawless day-ironically, this whole idea is flawed! The thing is by participating in such creativity and building a picture of a person of who you think you should be kind of puts one into self-destruction mode, picking out parts of oneself that aren’t enough, that they should be more focussed- basically berating anything that makes one human-the mistakes, the getting things wrong, the going at a different pace to everyone else, the not living up to expectations people or even you had of yourself … the list is endless. All this obsession over what you think you don’t measure up to will only make you feel worse.

I do think now more than ever we need to be kind to ourselves as well as each other. This year has thrown everyone sideways in one way or another, yet we can find ways to tear ourselves down and tell ourselves that we should be doing more or that we’re not doing what we should be. There is no ‘right’ way to think, but if we just found a way not to be too harsh or expect too much of ourselves and be a bit more gentle maybe we would start to feel a little lighter in a world that already seems so heavy. I guess what I want to say is that it’s okay if you are not where you thought you would be, focus on where you are and the pathways that could lead from there. It goes without saying that everyone will experience peaks and trots and just because you find yourself at a low, up against a challenge, facing a flare up, it does not mean you can’t get back or that it will be like this forever. I am saying this to you as well as myself, do not let these not so great days define who you are.

There’s that saying ride the wave. Although this can seem like a fleeting statement, it actually does have some merit-stay with me here. Instead of fighting what you are experiencing and burying yourself down some dark rabbit hole, I started to realise, when I had to take a break from things that rather than focusing on whether or not I was measuring up to being enough or trying to justify to myself as to why I was not doing thing, I started think about how just resting and being more present could just help the future me: if I rest now, I’ll be able to do more later.

All my love XX

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CP Day!!!

Dear Reader,

Today I wear green for a very special reason! Nope, I haven’t got my days wrong and doing this for St. Patrick’s Day. Nope, I haven’t converted my favourite colour to green, it is still very much rainbow (though I could be just repping one of its colours just because, but it’s not that either). I am seen in green today because it’s Cerebral Palsy Awareness Day!

For those who don’t know what the heck Cerebral Palsy is, I described it as something that means my movements are a little uncoordinated . Why? Well I don’t really like the ‘why’ very much as for some, this can spark a spiral of stories in their mind when they hear the phrase ‘Brain Damage’ and don’t hear or ignore the rest of the sentence. Also another reason why I haven’t wrote about CP in this way before is because to me this bit is kind of irrelevant as you know the damage has sort of…already been done…I think that is the saying anyway! But as it is CP awareness day, I will try to explain quickly!

Yes, CP is a result of brain damage, which that occurs before, during or after birth or in childhood, and has an impact on the part of the brain that is responsible for a person’s movement and coordination. This, therefore, has an impact on one’s physical ability. The symptoms and severity of CP varies from person to person, so I can only write about my experience which will definitely be different, if only slight, from someone else. For me, as said earlier, my movements can be shaky, slow and CP can also throw in a few unwanted moves now and again. With this, there is also one huge give away when I am a little anxious about something – I am a more wobbly than usual (shaky Sallie X10!!). Sometimes my muscles can be stiff especially on my right side of my body therefore can be hard to complete tasks with my right hand, therefore I tend to do almost everything with my left. Also, as if CP hasn’t stole enough limelight-still at least it’s in keeping with its colour-, it means that the group of muscles controlling my speech also moves  a little different to someone without CP, so as a result my speech is a little impaired. This aspect in particular I do find hard sometimes even now, though my speech as improved a lot. Whenever I get into a fluster I try to spin my perspective to something more helpful and a little more positive- not many folk can get to be heard twice or more!!!

It is so so important for people with CP or with any other obstacle, for that matter, not to be defined by them-it is something you HAVE it is NOT you!!! The worst but empowering, in retrospect, stages CP is when one is a child and a lot of doubt is around about their abilities. My parents were told I would never sit up, when I was very young, but a few years after they were told this I could even take a few steps. All the ‘no’s’ I got given about being able to achieve certain things I was , with the support of my family, able to show to myself that I could. It is sooo essential to only have those around you who believe otherwise, who believe in you. With this, another thing to remember is that no matter what anyone says you can turn around and write your own story!! You can rebrand parts of you challenge to make it a little easier to manage or comprehend. For example if I’m walking with someone and happen to stagger, I may say something like “Yep, I’m showcasing my dramatic ballet again.’ By doing/ thinking like this it make things a little lighter.  Or if I am having a day where I feel that I am going a little more slowly, I try to remember that everyone0 is meant to go at their own pace as a streak of comparison tries to creep in! Life hacks are sometimes just needed!!

Over the last few years since writing to you, I have become more open and been able talk more easily about my CP.  In addition, I have also been able to learn things about CP from others that have resonated with me. Even though there are many down sides to social media, this is a big up; connecting with others who have experienced similar things to you is invaluable and, furthermore, you feel less alone. Days such as these are important as it highlights and builds awareness around a particular cause or condition of something that one may know little about. Writing parts of this has been hard. There are areas of my disability I still find difficult to express. But this is another vital factor about awareness days- they can be reflective and as a result alleviate some heaviness around certain thoughts.

Putting together my outfit for CP Awareness Day has been so very fun and this is how life usually can be, which can be easily over looked. Days like today, though it brings about awareness about a condition, they also allow one to realise that there is a lot more to a person than their diagnosis!

Here’s to CP Awareness Day!

All my love XX

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?✨? Happy Magic Monday my Fabulous Ones ?✨?

We all have been gulity of thinking and behaving through our ego and not being our true selves. I guess my thinking as to why we do this is because we feel safe and in control. It’s not long before keeping up pretense gets too much, wishing we never started this game and all we want to do is open our authentic hearts, but we feel embarrassed by the contradiction this would create.

I have worn these shoes, thinking that these were fashionable and were liked – how wrong was I? For those of you that have been following me for a while will know I have Cerebral Palsy. Due to this I need a little more help than most to do things – you know where this is going, right? Even though I am completely okay with having to need this help and am extremely grateful for those who do help me, sometimes I try and to things myself and end up wishing I’d asked for help and I get that told you so feeling.

I guess in a round about way I wanted to say that it OK and really usual not to having all your ducks in a row and ask for help even if you think this is silly(not in a all knowing kindof way- I hope you know what I mean). Lately I have asked for a lot of help on something which I had zero glue about and had to swallow my pride and just ask about my uncertainties even if Iooked really silly. You know how the saying goes I’d rather be silly for a minute for a lifetime.?✨?

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I Am Proud of Me!!!

Dear Reader,

A few months ago, when I posted Here’s to you! Here’s to me! Here’s to us! I asked you to celebrate you and the amazing things you have achieved; no matter how big or small you think they are, they ARE significant!! I would like to share with you something very important to me that I achieved over the last few months!!!

*Search for the little girl inside of you needed for this part.* As young girls, some of us admired the magic and mystery of dress up and make-up taking notice of what routines our mums and/or other influential women in our life undertook as they got ready. The curious little ladies that we were, would be vocal with our curiosity and ask questions such as “What are you putting on your lips?” She would reply and show us how the lipstick is applied and ask us to be their model and apply the glitzy lipstick on us, hell yes we thought-we are already in position!!! “Now press you lips together for that beautiful smooth finish” she would say after putting it on our lips, showing us this action. We would then copy with excitement and maybe do this action countless times, (yep I did this,- I’m pretty sure that lipstick didn’t stay long on!!) feeling really adult!!!

When we get older we might develop more of an interest in make-up and wearing a little ourselves, wanting to be a little woman. I know I did!  I was around 14 when I got my first powder – it was in a round, mint green box by Miss Sporty I felt so excited to try it out-the little woman in me was unleashed! As you might know, if you have visited my blog before, I have Cerebral Palsy and as part of how I am affected is that my hands can be a little uncoordinated, so me applying make-up…well you could definitely I see I had something on my face but I am not so sure that it would have been finished look I was aiming for! So to avoid looking like a clown or something along those lines, someone else would apply my make-up, this would be either my mum or my sister. I feel really grateful that that these beautiful ladies- who are my influential women of all time- took time to help me get ready and knew that it was important to me but as I got older and especially recently I wondered what it would be like to do my own make-up when going out.

So…..instead of just wondering-because we all know that don’t lead anywhere most of the time- a few months ago I thought I would try. At first I was worried in case I couldn’t do it and scrutinize what I might have done, comparing it to a picture in my mind, and be more annoyed than before with not being able ‘to go and do my thing.’ Whilst having these thoughts I then realized I am doing the exact opposite of what I say to others when they experience symptoms of fear, telling them to ‘just go for it.’ Having answered myself the question to ‘what I would say to someone else?’, I psyched myself up and decided I would just see what happens; I took out my make-up bag, sat at my  dressing table and started to apply! I started with my powder, took my time and just allowed myself to enjoy the feeling of DOING my own make-up! Now, as you know I am a big supporter of self-belief, but it is nice to seek reassurance when you are not 100% sure on something. So on this day I asked my sister for advice on how the make-up looked. It turned out I didn’t do too badly!!

From that day, I have continued to do my own make up when going out, getting better and more confident with this. The feeling of getting ready has totally changed, getting ready is definitely more fun!!! The other day my sister and I were going out and we could get ready TOGETHER, rather than my sister doing my make up for me. With this we could ask each questions, such as ‘have I got too much blusher on?’ and just enjoy the getting ready process, whilst jamming to some tunes of course!!

There might be some who will read this and not ‘get’ why being able to put on make-up is a big deal but duuuude, it is-to me it is-.  Being able to do something you couldn’t do before is a huge deal giving you such an empowering feeling-you know all thatdetermination and hard work has paid off!! Dig deep and shout your personal achievements loudly and proudly!!! You could start-if you wanted-by sharing in the comments below, what you are proud of yourself for?

Looking forward to celebrating you!!

All my love XX

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