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A Complicated Relationship with Shoes

An old photo of ten year old Rebecca, a white girl with brown hair, She is wearing her school uniform with Piedro boots and is sitting in her wheelchair.
Image description: An old photo of a ten year old Rebecca, a white girl with brown hair that is in a plat (out of view). She is wearing her school uniform-a brown jumper and a knee length skirt. She is also wearing with Piedro boot with knee high white socks. She is sitting in her wheelchair across the road from her primary school

Piedro boots. Memories of embarrassment and wishing for their non-existence comes with hearing or thinking of these shoes. Shoes that I’m wearing in the photo above- I think I am about ten here.  The nature of my disability means that when I do walk, my shoes have to have ankle support-so not every pair of shoes that I set my eyes on I can wear-. This term ‘ankle support’ was so pronounced when I was younger. I felt so othered by it, when I was told about the type of shoes that I should be wearing.

Receiving yet another box of specially made shoes I hoped that they would somehow be more of a vibe, more of a pair of shoes that I would in every way feel comfortable to wear, even though I knew what I was getting.  I thought they didn’t match my identity, but, really, I was trying to chase somebody else’s. This was especially true when I grew into my teenage years.

Most of us growing up wanting to do whatever we can to fit in, no matter how comfortable or uncomfortable it feels. We might pretend to like particular music or style our hair in a certain way or perhaps we try to suspend an aspect of our personality, or, like I did, want to wear a pair of shoes like the rest of my peers had. I was a Noughties teen and at that time Dolly shoes were all the trend, and so I wanted to get in on this too.

After some tough persuasion, I had my own cute little black pair with a bow at the front. I felt soo cool! I also thought this a small way to claim that I was a teenager. However there were only so many times that the back of the shoes would come away from my heel, when I would take a few steps, making me even more unbalanced, before I realised that these shoes weren’t making me comfortable like I thought they would. This was hard to admit.

As I write now, I think about those who dress their feet in plasters to save their feet from getting sores and compromising squashed toes for stunning outfit details- we’ve all got that t-shirt, in one way, and shoes to match!

The thing is though it is never just about shoes or music or hair styles or whatever else we are trying to mold ourselves into. It’s about who we feel we are when we are seen sporting these fashion trends or bopping to popular tunes and, more importantly, how we feel when we are without these things.

Secretly, I was hoping that if I was seen wearing these Dolly shoes it would somehow gloss over my disability. That (and I do apologies for the wording of the rest of this sentence-it just captures my thoughts back then) even though I was in a wheelchair, these shoes would allow me to pass as a Noughties teen, with disability not being part of the equation. How silly was I? Of course these shoes wouldn’t mean that suddenly my disability would be hidden from view like some kind of magic or something This… magic dust, if you like, would come years later, unpicking ablism and finding my identity as a disabled woman, beginning to feel comfortable with my disability.

When I started to settle into my disability, I started to recognize the shoes my feet actually needed. The term ‘ankle support’ no longer set shivers down my spine. It actually sets me free as it communicates my needs, and enable me to feel comfortable in the shoes I wear. Now I know what will make my feet happy.

I must admit though, it would be a whole lot easier if more accessible footwear was available.

Do I still feel my heart pang when I see shoes in the shop window that I can’t wear? Absolutely! Am I picturing an entire outfit based around those shoes? Absolutely! But when I think how I might feel in those shoes… that giddy excited feeling slowly evaporates. I know if I wore those shoes, I would be uncomfortable….and so those shoes that a few minutes ago (sometimes times this take a lot longer) receives a head turn. As I go in search for shoes that makes me feel giddy, excited and comfortable!

This is a reminder to anyone with a complicated relationship with shoes: Stop stealing everyone else’s shoes, dance in your own!

All my love XX

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It’s okay to like marmite

Image description: Rebecca, a white women with long brown hair, sits on a garden step surrounded by plant. She is wearing a knee length dress with green , red , pink and orange flowers on it and a colourful beaded necklace.

Dear Reader

Lately, I’ve been thinking about the way thoughts, ideas, views can change and oppose perspectives and reflections and/or how perspectives can swing between the two.

I used to think that was a bad thing. That how could we be deemed unreliable if we changed our mind like the weather? That it made whatever we said invalid. As someone who has a track record for changing my mind and feeling guilty to have this trait, to say that this is actually okay is actually quite liberating and proud moment for me. There are thousands out there with a similar mentality to me and we often get branded as wishy-washy, uncertain and sometimes, as my family cat Queen T is literally and it’s one of the many things I love about her, a sit on the fencer (though with my balancing being one of my tricker skills, it’s not as quite a mundane task as one might assume). I would like others like me know that hey! You, me, we are completely fine, we don’t need to change.

I’ve played with these thoughts for a while now, with various observations and experiences leading to these reflections. I first shared my ponderings on uncertainty on my Instagram after a trip to Florence in April.

I was between two extremes. The first between fury and frustration at the inaccessibility and the constant excuse being given that it was an old city. It’s not about eradicating history, but it’s about making accommodations and edging towards inclusion and not maintaining historic believes that disabled people aren’t active members of society.

Yet on the other hand, I was struck by the superb detail of the old around- can I really say that I want a fairer world for disabled people but still marvel at the things that disables us?  Or is this me with my learnt thinking that you can either be one or the other, not both. That things are either black or white, not grey. That like marmite, you either love it or hate it, there is no in between.  But perhaps you can be both. Perhaps things can lie in a grey area. Perhaps you can like marmite. Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps.

These reflections extended further when I saw the first ramp on the second day. The joy, the relief, the unheard welcome.  It had me feel that sense of gratefulness that I know I shouldn’t feel. Grateful to access a public building, grateful that simple rights are being met? Does this reading this sit well with you? How often to you hear non-disabled have thankfulness for entry in to such places? Reader, it’s more likely that the number of steps will get criticized. Yet in this moment, I felt so happy that I could explore with ease and go about my day.

In recent weeks, my thoughts have become more stretched. I want to thread carefully about the wording of this because I still don’t know where I sit with it but as some of you may know writing for me is my way to try and makes sense of things somehow.  And it revolves thoughts around independence.

For the past few weeks, I’ve experience quite debilitating back muscle spasms which meant I needed even more help than usual. Like many, I have learnt through the years that it’s okay to receive help. It certainly does not make you lesser- everyone has different ways of doing things and personally I love working as part of a team. Obviously, though it was a little frustrating as I just couldn’t get on with things.  As I’m slowly starting to get back to some kind of routine and relieved to get some of my independence back.

I sometimes feel like when we celebrate independence, it can feel like we’re advocating for being as non-disabled as possible, writing disability off as something bad. But it’s not about that- it’s about feeling and doing what is comfortable for you, and simply doing what you need to do for you. As I can now take a few steps with a bit of ease, my mind springs to What would Inspiration Porn say? A thought that tries to suppress my joy. Something that says I’m doing something ‘in spite of my disability’, with the toe curling saying if a disabled person can do something, you certainly can. But it’s more about… getting back to my normal, what’s in my scope. So I want to reject this thought. I want and need to celebrate about feeling good again. No one should take that away from you, so don’t let them

The point of this post is to say it’s okay to be on both sides of the coin. You don’t have to have a fixed idea on something, it can change, it can be fluid.  You don’t have to grip firmly to one idea

It’s okay to like marmite

All my love XX

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Four reminders

Rebecca, a white woman with brown hair, is sitting in her wheelchair
Image description: Rebecca, a white woman with brown hair, is wearing a pink and orange closed buttoned cardigan and pink trousers and shoes. She is sitting in her wheelchair that has peach spoke guards with multicolored butterflies dotted around on it. She is on a bridge with a lake running underneath

Dear Readers,

Woooo! It’s been a very long while since I wrote on here! In fact the last time I wrote on here we were transitioning from summer to autumn and now a whole other season has passed.

The reason. Well really, I have no excuse only to say that I’m not a very good juggler! But for a while now I have been itching to get back to blogging things and today is that day!

I want to write here, a few little notes for both you, and also I, to keep moving forwards or even to how we might go about being at ease with where we are- an underestimated thing and something I find personally hard to do. I tend to overly self-access looking for things I’ve missed or not executed as well as I should have or what’s next (attempting to ensure that the next thing leaves no room for errors). I know sometimes we can get ourselves in to a slump in one way or another and the other day I thought about what are those things that help me, and I wanted to write them here.

So, here goes  (btw these.. ‘tips’ are just me thinking out loud- so use, don’t use, add remove or even ignore.)

Do more of what you love and reframe from internalizing ableism

A lot of us have a guilt thing around pleasure and feel like we need to ‘earn’ enjoyment. The contents of, and how much, enjoyment we ‘allow’ ourselves to have will be measured by how much we’ve ‘worked for it.’  We have become our own unnerving headteacher that everyone dreads (Matilda’s Mrs. Trunchball  type).

As a disabled person who needs more time to do things day-to-day, I feel sometimes I should be doing twice as much in order to seek reward. Though we know this thinking is nonsense, playing into that ableist view, and that everyone goes at their own pace. So for those of us that identify as disabled or chronically ill this is a reminder to not chew on ableist words. You deserve, we deserve, just as many ‘nice’ moments as non-disabled people

It could be spending time with family and friends, exploring new places, reading a good book without thinking of what we could be doing or anything else that puts a smile on our hearts.

Comparison’s a thief

We don’t have to look far before we find that we are pitting ourselves against someone or something else doing something better, or leaves us, in whatever way, feeling less. I mean we all like to push ourselves and make improvements if we want. But it can also make us overly self-criticize, which can stop us on our tracks.

So how can we stop this? I don’t think there’s a definitive answer. But I do think a part of this is about being more aware when we are comparing ourselves and that the thing that we are comparing ourselves to something that is bigger and complex than what we are perceiving. Social media is a great example of comparing ourselves to someone else’s photos, status updates and snippets of their lives. But the same people also have parts that they choose not to share and are more than likely doing the same- comparing themselves to another person.

So we need to try to prevent ourselves from going down the rabbit hole and just remember that what we think is not the complete story and that everyone is just trying their best, including ourselves.

Connection is key

Humans are social beings. The amount of which will vary though, with each individual having their own unique social battery. Some peoples’ runs flat quickly if they socialize too much and need time away to charge, while other social batteries can be sustained and even be fueled by socializing.

I don’t want to sound greedy here, but I think I’m a bit of both. Sometimes i just need space and other times being with others is more than a want, but a need. I believe that perhaps our social battery is dependent on how and who we are spending it with.

No matter which way we flip I think that when we are not feeling our best a lot of us will turn to a trusted person or people in our lives and also when things are going well.

Loved ones can always energize me just by being with them…. I hope this can be the same for you too and if not let this be a reminder that it’s okay to step away and reconnect with yourself.

Get out of your own way!

Okay, this is another cliché but it true. We spend so much time thing about What ifs and worrying and talking ourselves out of things that in the time which we are doing all that, we could have done the things that we are putting off. This is a whole lot easier saying than actually doing, but by trying to be more of a doer we can break the habit of sabotaging ourselves. So before you completely talk yourself out of doing something-just go for it!

These are a few things that help me get out of my own head sometimes. I hope these can help you too.

All my love XX

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Seeing Yourself As Enough

Dear Reader,

Ever get that feeling that you’re not enough? That you’re not doing enough? That what you are right now and who you are is not enough? Well this is something that can honestly feel quite lonely and depletes one’s energy and when in such a mind-set….the hope of this turning round does not seem like a move that can be made. However it’s me who is writing this post and even though I can annoy the crap out of myself being a positive Polly and sometimes just wanting to see the volume of water that is in the glass in whatever damn way (without a psychological explanation being attached to this), it is true that this is not a feeling that is felt by a singular person- it is experienced by many.

It feels like I’ve gone off into the deep end, I didn’t mean to here but fear of not doing enough are thoughts that I have been experiencing of late. Back in May I shared on my social media that I had been experiencing pain as a result of my Cerebral Palsy, which meant I couldn’t do very much at all for a while, and for someone like me who always wants to be a busy bee this was kinda hard. Since then these aches have been on and off depending on how much I’ve been doing. It’s that knowing that I’m not doing, not continually moving forwards, which at these times are my more prominent thoughts, the insistent chatter of what I could be doing clogs up the ol’ mind. Somehow this has more of an importance than it did before. I guess it’s a classic case of when you can’t do something, you want to do things even more with the imagination running wild with ideas. Ohhh how the mind chatters!

Sitting there with all these thoughts was kind of like toying with someone else’s story-it wasn’t I who was living out that day, it was a character I created in my brain. A character with no flaws who navigated a flawless day-ironically, this whole idea is flawed! The thing is by participating in such creativity and building a picture of a person of who you think you should be kind of puts one into self-destruction mode, picking out parts of oneself that aren’t enough, that they should be more focussed- basically berating anything that makes one human-the mistakes, the getting things wrong, the going at a different pace to everyone else, the not living up to expectations people or even you had of yourself … the list is endless. All this obsession over what you think you don’t measure up to will only make you feel worse.

I do think now more than ever we need to be kind to ourselves as well as each other. This year has thrown everyone sideways in one way or another, yet we can find ways to tear ourselves down and tell ourselves that we should be doing more or that we’re not doing what we should be. There is no ‘right’ way to think, but if we just found a way not to be too harsh or expect too much of ourselves and be a bit more gentle maybe we would start to feel a little lighter in a world that already seems so heavy. I guess what I want to say is that it’s okay if you are not where you thought you would be, focus on where you are and the pathways that could lead from there. It goes without saying that everyone will experience peaks and trots and just because you find yourself at a low, up against a challenge, facing a flare up, it does not mean you can’t get back or that it will be like this forever. I am saying this to you as well as myself, do not let these not so great days define who you are.

There’s that saying ride the wave. Although this can seem like a fleeting statement, it actually does have some merit-stay with me here. Instead of fighting what you are experiencing and burying yourself down some dark rabbit hole, I started to realise, when I had to take a break from things that rather than focusing on whether or not I was measuring up to being enough or trying to justify to myself as to why I was not doing thing, I started think about how just resting and being more present could just help the future me: if I rest now, I’ll be able to do more later.

All my love XX

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A Call to Change How Disability is Seen

Dear Reader,

It is funny (not the haha kind, more the stop and think kind) how the world is sooo pent up and focusing on fixing things, solving this by pretending they are not there instead working around them. I guess that would require too much ground work. This idea becomes dangerous when these things are not just things but are people and the outlook remains the same- the focus being ‘how can this be fixed’ or ‘made better’. Well, spoiler alert, this can’t be fixed, made better or be shunned away through any other ableist ideologies-how about…they you know…turn that frown upside down and realised that it’s more about people working with what they’ve got.
Sometimes disability is seen as some sort of disadvantage, and something that instantly categorises people with disabilities as ‘the disabled’ as if they’re a faulty model. As a person with a disability, it is all too familiar and expected that I will see someone’s eyes widening and their voice reach a new octave as I share a little about who I am, flabbergasted that I am just as human as them. However something in their behaviour says that this stereotype of disability is still being brought into.

Though I write and do my part to raise awareness of disability I do not know quite how to tackle one’s perception of this. Dating back to long ago people with disabilities were…let’s just say there was no voice that represented this community so I guess this stereotype was the only reference point. But this stereotype was only formed because there was no voice, still the only voice that was heard were men in power(sometimes I do wonder if times have changed). Even though the community of people with disabilities has come a long way, with campaigns around inclusions being had, it still feels like we haven’t reached our peak! When I ask myself how I can go about furthering my message, the only possible solution is to keep saying how things are for me, keep speaking out, keep writing stuff like this, call out when people show discriminative behaviour and do not let other people’s words and actions have an influence on how I view myself.

It is not only how people with disabilities are approached and talked to that needs to be addressed, but what is also needed is for society to be accessible and all round inclusive-some may call it ambitious, I call it essential! As I said above, the world can go around fixing things by pretending that they are not there, by this I mean by places STILL not accessible. Checking if somewhere is, for me, wheelchair friendly should not be a part of my ‘check before you travel’ routine. On this note: London underground! Now I know it is at the height of hustle and bustle but it is also the most inaccessible and my question is why? We’ve got technologies for the more unnecessary such as being able to see on your phone who is at your door, so why can’t some investment go into technology to engineer public transport to be just that transport for PUBLIC use, transport for EVERYbody?
I’d love to say that the physical form of accessibility that the only an area of that needs stark improvement but this is just the start: how institutions relate to people with disabilities, be it in education or in, or accessing, work need to undergo a major change in order for the same opportunities to be given to everyone. Therefore this means people with disabilities receive equal treatment to everyone else without having to go to extra measures to prove themselves, that extra thing that if disability was taken out of the equation these measures wouldn’t have to be taken. I do wonder if people without disabilities were questioned, were put through tests and were observed in the same way, what would be the response of these people? Would they understand the implications of ignorance? Would they finally see people and not what people have or haven’t got?

I am writing this as I no longer want to be silent and pretend that I am not moved by the inequality that is blandly obvious in society, a society that is fractured and unable stand in solidarity with those with differences. I am one of many with these thoughts and I hope that others who resonate with these words are able to feel empowered to share theirs. But not only do I hope these voices come forward, I also hope people who are on the other side of the coin, who don’t have a disability, that these words play a role in their understanding in how such judgement feels. Perhaps this understanding will also go towards changing their perspective and actions towards disability!

All my love XX

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This will pass

✨ I hope you can find magic this Monday however small ?✨

Illustration by @emilycoxhead

Image description: words in black handwriting that reads: “It’s okay to feel flat you can’t ALWAYS bounce back CONVERSATIONS can be TOUGH doing the RIGHT thing isn’t always enough . We can’t have HAPPINESS without a little pain hard times will pass again & again- emily coxhead.” These words are on a illustrated lined piece of paper. This paper is on a blue background with a illustration of a rainbow in the center. Illustration is by @emilycoxhead

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Honey I’m Home!!

Dear Reader,

It has been a real long while since I have posted anything on here and I have missed blogging, I really have. I guess it that good ol’ excuse of life getting in the way. But when thinking of it, it’s actually me getting in the way of myself…I mean it’s me who make plans and then break than again. So on behalf of me, that part of me that is the putter offer, that part of me that has made a big, brighter, endless list for tomorrow, I am sorry.

While I have be absent in here I must confess, I have cheated on you with other social media, namely Instagram. I have ever more ripped off the seal that was keeping shut tight the lid on my disability and my thoughts around this, as well as going a bit ninja (as my bestie would say) and have started to speak about things that do not sit right with me- the stereotype around disability and how stigma NEEDS to end. Now.

Now, don’t worry I am still full of rainbow fluffiness happiness and that will not change, but in order for this rainbow fluffiness happiness to continue things need to be aired, views need to be discussed and challenged and we need to stop being so darn polite and just say if something is bothering us- like can people just treat me as another human being and not treating me as if I am the disability? I still think in today’s society a lot needs to be done for it to be a place that is fully inclusive and rather than, or only, accepting differences but embracing differences too.

On here, on this blog was were my love affair with writing begin, and without sounding like Joe Goldberg from You (a Netflix series, surrounding a guy obsessed with, and a therefore “would do anything for” love-and this really does mean ANYTHING!), where I found you. It was through writing I found a way to express what I found difficult to say aloud. Reader this felt utterly freeing and found that the Queen of vulnerability, Brene Brown was right, vulnerability does pave the pathway for connection. Sharing parts of my story, expressing my thoughts on my disability, only allowed me to get to know others that have gone through similar things.

I guess I wanted to remind you that letting people see who you are is important. Why? Because it means that you don’t have to continue to hide and make up this idea of someone who is not you. Because you can start to see who you are and feel your power. Because by doing so you will feel less lonely; in this world of social media and by sharing your experiences there will be people reading/hearing your words and will resonate with them and maybe reach out. At the back of this they will also feel less alone in the world, finally finding someone with a similar story to them.

I want to ask you not to be afraid to using your voice-your voice is your power. It is your weapon that no one can destroy. Use it well dear Reader. I am right behind you.

I intent to show my face on here a little more this year. I hope I will see you here too, hoping we can thrive together.

Until next time

All my love XX

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It’s a double whammy!

? It’s a Happy double whammy today?? Happy Magic Monday and also Happy Sticker Day ?

I love me some fun stickers to spruce up my calendar… it’s adds a inspiration for the month (as any rainbow unicorn hearts or little positive words would ?)? Sooo get fun when your organising it might takes the edge of things that feel a little weighty, especially at the start of the year!

Also my writing is a little different than most but that’s ok. I can understand what I have wrote and that what matters, right? If you have a similar writing character, don’t let it stop you from creating your writing artwork ???

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Reframing Disability

✨? And don’t be made to think differently.

Happy Magic Monday My Fabulous Ones?✨

Image description: words on a yellow-green cut out piece of paper that reads “A disability is something that you have, it is not you.” The paper is placed on a pink and green background

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You Can!!

?✨Happy Magic Monday my Fabulous Ones ✨?

This a reminder at the start of the week, that you, yes YOU, can do anything ?? Turn them thoughts into reality and make yourself proud???✨

Illustration by @soolooka

[Image description : There are two illustrations of plant pots. On one plant pot there is writing that reads ‘I can’t do it ‘ with a small bud. The other pot has writing on it that says ‘I can do it’ with a tall flower with smiley face drawn on the flower head. There is an illustration of a person turning towards the pot with the flower with a magic wand in there hand. Above this illustration reads the words ‘everyone has magic power to make a thought grow’. And underneath reads ‘make sure you choose the thoughts that make your life better’. The background of this illustration is purple. This illustration is by @soolooka]