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Disabled limiting beliefs

Rebecca, a white woman with brown hair, is sitting in her wheelchair.00.
Image description: Rebecca, a white woman with brown hair, wears a light green, dark green, light blue, light pink, red and brown diamond patterned closed brown buttoned cardigan with a green faux fur colour, red trousers and shoes . She also wears a green faux fur hat and holding a green bag. She is sitting in her wheelchair that has peach spoke guards with multicoloured butterflies dotted around on it. Rebecca is under a tree her legs are placed over the right armrest. She is smiling at the camera

Dear Reader,

At times life can feel a bit more challenging. Sometimes we know exactly why, and at other times it can be hard to pin point what is causing us to feel this fogginess and it feels excruciating when trying to lift this weight. No matter how we find ourselves at a low ebb, our self-chatter can massively contribute to how we feel. Like a lot of people, when finding myself in tricky waters, I can be the biggest mean girl to myself and this can just intensify my thoughts and feels like I’m standing on quick sand- it is all too ready to swallow me up!

I think a lot of disabled peers will say that internalised ableism can add a bloody great big layer to some of the not so glittery thoughts that we may experience from time to time. There seems to be a real under expectation of disabled people and therefore sometimes feel like we have to work harder to be seen and heard. This is witnessed time and time again in work environments, in education systems, in the travel industry, in relationships and what this looks like, in the media’s representation of disability… it’s endless -all whereby we, as disabled people, are prescribed to the type of role we play by society. However this narrative manifests, it can enable some of us to believe that we are not worthy or good enough or shouldn’t be where we are. I’ve done this countless of times, listening to self-doubt and the cunning charm of internalised ableism way too much, thinking that I should back out of something. It’s exhausting! But rather than realising that we are experiencing internalised ableism, these thoughts can latch themselves on to us and become part of the beliefs that we hold about ourselves.

It’s important to recognise the flavour of our thoughts, where they might have come from and how we can change this up, not letting them consume us.

I’ve listed below, some of the disabled limiting beliefs that I can experience and how I try to break through them. If you find yourself identifying with any of the following limiting beliefs, I hope that you find the tips/reminders that I pair them with helpful.

  • A limiting belief that I have sometimes is in regards to voicing my rights. Enquiring about wheelchair access or saying what I need can feel daunting sometimes. I never know how requests will be received, sometimes with a more than helpful attitude and others with a huff and a puff, when, say, putting down a portable ramp, or even hearing an out and out ‘no.’ The latter two responses can make me feel as if I shouldn’t say anything or shouldn’t be there. But over the last few years I’ve realised just how much my needs and wants are valid and more than that, I deserve the right to be there just as much as the next person. This is a reminder I repeat to myself when get that voice in my head is trying its best to get me swallowing my words. Disabled rights are human rights. I’ll admit, it’s a difficult thing to do but when you start just saying how things are, the less scary it can become- do not ever put your rights second!
  • My speech impediment is something that I can be really conscious off and get a little anxious over whether people will understand me. Last year, I got tired of confining myself I wanted to give myself a bit more freedom. One day I started just to speak into the camera. I normally just post text along with photos online to express my thoughts, never sharing my actual voice, so this was heart pounding stuff. Although very apprehensive at first when I started, I began to settle into it. It showed how I, and I’m sure that I am not alone in this, can magnify things in my mind and they can feel a bit more difficult than they actually are. When I posted this video online, people were absolutely lovely in response. Note to self- don’t spend too much time brewing over something and don’t give into your own doubt! I really want to do a bit more of this in the year ahead.
Rebecca, a white woman with brown hair is sitting in her wheelchair
Image description: Rebecca wears the same outfit as image 1. Her legs are swung over the right armrest of her wheelchair
  • Another limiting belief that I have is around time. A subject that I always get caught up on. My Cerebral Palsy means that it can take me a bit more time to do certain things. Sometimes this can really bother me, especially if in my head I am a step or two ahead. In them moments I believe that I should move faster. The more I try to do this though, the less my body becomes uncoordinated and so tasks take even longer to complete. The thing is everyone is running on their own clock and really…isn’t it about deserving yourself the time you need rather than folding yourself in two to meet an unrealistic time frame? It’s time (sorry!) to start setting realistic deadlines so you won’t burn out and that you can fully focus on the task in hand without forever clock watching.
  • I think this one is applicable to all humans really and surrounds the feeling of being enough. Coming from a disabled person’s perspective, a layer of this could be due to the structure of society and how the word, disabled, is branded. Looping back to the start of this blog post and the little expectations that non-disabled people can have of disabled people, it can make disabled people doubt themselves or believe that they need to prove who they are in order to be seen as enough. It was only through my twenties really that I realised that I didn’t need to do this. Discovering the social model of disability, which says that people are disabled by societial barriers, was a game-changer for me. I learnt that my disability wasn’t at fault. It was the world around me.  I didn’t need to change. I didn’t need to prove who I was. It’s really easy cheesy to say try and not be moved/powered over by stigma but really just being yourself is all you can be. You are enough as you are.

I hope that by sharing some of my limiting beliefs and I how am trying to break them down a little and not letting them have as much power, perhaps it’s given you food for thought as to how to tackle your own limiting beliefs. And remember there just beliefs, not the truths

All my love XX

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A Complicated Relationship with Shoes

An old photo of ten year old Rebecca, a white girl with brown hair, She is wearing her school uniform with Piedro boots and is sitting in her wheelchair.
Image description: An old photo of a ten year old Rebecca, a white girl with brown hair that is in a plat (out of view). She is wearing her school uniform-a brown jumper and a knee length skirt. She is also wearing with Piedro boot with knee high white socks. She is sitting in her wheelchair across the road from her primary school

Piedro boots. Memories of embarrassment and wishing for their non-existence comes with hearing or thinking of these shoes. Shoes that I’m wearing in the photo above- I think I am about ten here.  The nature of my disability means that when I do walk, my shoes have to have ankle support-so not every pair of shoes that I set my eyes on I can wear-. This term ‘ankle support’ was so pronounced when I was younger. I felt so othered by it, when I was told about the type of shoes that I should be wearing.

Receiving yet another box of specially made shoes I hoped that they would somehow be more of a vibe, more of a pair of shoes that I would in every way feel comfortable to wear, even though I knew what I was getting.  I thought they didn’t match my identity, but, really, I was trying to chase somebody else’s. This was especially true when I grew into my teenage years.

Most of us growing up wanting to do whatever we can to fit in, no matter how comfortable or uncomfortable it feels. We might pretend to like particular music or style our hair in a certain way or perhaps we try to suspend an aspect of our personality, or, like I did, want to wear a pair of shoes like the rest of my peers had. I was a Noughties teen and at that time Dolly shoes were all the trend, and so I wanted to get in on this too.

After some tough persuasion, I had my own cute little black pair with a bow at the front. I felt soo cool! I also thought this a small way to claim that I was a teenager. However there were only so many times that the back of the shoes would come away from my heel, when I would take a few steps, making me even more unbalanced, before I realised that these shoes weren’t making me comfortable like I thought they would. This was hard to admit.

As I write now, I think about those who dress their feet in plasters to save their feet from getting sores and compromising squashed toes for stunning outfit details- we’ve all got that t-shirt, in one way, and shoes to match!

The thing is though it is never just about shoes or music or hair styles or whatever else we are trying to mold ourselves into. It’s about who we feel we are when we are seen sporting these fashion trends or bopping to popular tunes and, more importantly, how we feel when we are without these things.

Secretly, I was hoping that if I was seen wearing these Dolly shoes it would somehow gloss over my disability. That (and I do apologies for the wording of the rest of this sentence-it just captures my thoughts back then) even though I was in a wheelchair, these shoes would allow me to pass as a Noughties teen, with disability not being part of the equation. How silly was I? Of course these shoes wouldn’t mean that suddenly my disability would be hidden from view like some kind of magic or something This… magic dust, if you like, would come years later, unpicking ablism and finding my identity as a disabled woman, beginning to feel comfortable with my disability.

When I started to settle into my disability, I started to recognize the shoes my feet actually needed. The term ‘ankle support’ no longer set shivers down my spine. It actually sets me free as it communicates my needs, and enable me to feel comfortable in the shoes I wear. Now I know what will make my feet happy.

I must admit though, it would be a whole lot easier if more accessible footwear was available.

Do I still feel my heart pang when I see shoes in the shop window that I can’t wear? Absolutely! Am I picturing an entire outfit based around those shoes? Absolutely! But when I think how I might feel in those shoes… that giddy excited feeling slowly evaporates. I know if I wore those shoes, I would be uncomfortable….and so those shoes that a few minutes ago (sometimes times this take a lot longer) receives a head turn. As I go in search for shoes that makes me feel giddy, excited and comfortable!

This is a reminder to anyone with a complicated relationship with shoes: Stop stealing everyone else’s shoes, dance in your own!

All my love XX

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It’s okay to like marmite

Image description: Rebecca, a white women with long brown hair, sits on a garden step surrounded by plant. She is wearing a knee length dress with green , red , pink and orange flowers on it and a colourful beaded necklace.

Dear Reader

Lately, I’ve been thinking about the way thoughts, ideas, views can change and oppose perspectives and reflections and/or how perspectives can swing between the two.

I used to think that was a bad thing. That how could we be deemed unreliable if we changed our mind like the weather? That it made whatever we said invalid. As someone who has a track record for changing my mind and feeling guilty to have this trait, to say that this is actually okay is actually quite liberating and proud moment for me. There are thousands out there with a similar mentality to me and we often get branded as wishy-washy, uncertain and sometimes, as my family cat Queen T is literally and it’s one of the many things I love about her, a sit on the fencer (though with my balancing being one of my tricker skills, it’s not as quite a mundane task as one might assume). I would like others like me know that hey! You, me, we are completely fine, we don’t need to change.

I’ve played with these thoughts for a while now, with various observations and experiences leading to these reflections. I first shared my ponderings on uncertainty on my Instagram after a trip to Florence in April.

I was between two extremes. The first between fury and frustration at the inaccessibility and the constant excuse being given that it was an old city. It’s not about eradicating history, but it’s about making accommodations and edging towards inclusion and not maintaining historic believes that disabled people aren’t active members of society.

Yet on the other hand, I was struck by the superb detail of the old around- can I really say that I want a fairer world for disabled people but still marvel at the things that disables us?  Or is this me with my learnt thinking that you can either be one or the other, not both. That things are either black or white, not grey. That like marmite, you either love it or hate it, there is no in between.  But perhaps you can be both. Perhaps things can lie in a grey area. Perhaps you can like marmite. Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps.

These reflections extended further when I saw the first ramp on the second day. The joy, the relief, the unheard welcome.  It had me feel that sense of gratefulness that I know I shouldn’t feel. Grateful to access a public building, grateful that simple rights are being met? Does this reading this sit well with you? How often to you hear non-disabled have thankfulness for entry in to such places? Reader, it’s more likely that the number of steps will get criticized. Yet in this moment, I felt so happy that I could explore with ease and go about my day.

In recent weeks, my thoughts have become more stretched. I want to thread carefully about the wording of this because I still don’t know where I sit with it but as some of you may know writing for me is my way to try and makes sense of things somehow.  And it revolves thoughts around independence.

For the past few weeks, I’ve experience quite debilitating back muscle spasms which meant I needed even more help than usual. Like many, I have learnt through the years that it’s okay to receive help. It certainly does not make you lesser- everyone has different ways of doing things and personally I love working as part of a team. Obviously, though it was a little frustrating as I just couldn’t get on with things.  As I’m slowly starting to get back to some kind of routine and relieved to get some of my independence back.

I sometimes feel like when we celebrate independence, it can feel like we’re advocating for being as non-disabled as possible, writing disability off as something bad. But it’s not about that- it’s about feeling and doing what is comfortable for you, and simply doing what you need to do for you. As I can now take a few steps with a bit of ease, my mind springs to What would Inspiration Porn say? A thought that tries to suppress my joy. Something that says I’m doing something ‘in spite of my disability’, with the toe curling saying if a disabled person can do something, you certainly can. But it’s more about… getting back to my normal, what’s in my scope. So I want to reject this thought. I want and need to celebrate about feeling good again. No one should take that away from you, so don’t let them

The point of this post is to say it’s okay to be on both sides of the coin. You don’t have to have a fixed idea on something, it can change, it can be fluid.  You don’t have to grip firmly to one idea

It’s okay to like marmite

All my love XX

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It’s a double whammy!

? It’s a Happy double whammy today?? Happy Magic Monday and also Happy Sticker Day ?

I love me some fun stickers to spruce up my calendar… it’s adds a inspiration for the month (as any rainbow unicorn hearts or little positive words would ?)? Sooo get fun when your organising it might takes the edge of things that feel a little weighty, especially at the start of the year!

Also my writing is a little different than most but that’s ok. I can understand what I have wrote and that what matters, right? If you have a similar writing character, don’t let it stop you from creating your writing artwork ???

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One Step at a Time

?Everything takes time. Focus this moment ?

I hope you find a little bit of magic in your Monday ?✨?

Illustration by @stacieswift

Image description: An illustration of rainbow is in the centre. With white writing underneath that says “ONE STEP AT A TIME” with a white line drawn below this sentence. The background is bright pink. This illustration is by @stacieswift

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Stop Hiding!!

? Happy Magic Monday my Fabulous Ones?

There’s a saying never be afraid who you are. I for one am a huge advocate of this. There was a time when I would ask “ Can you not get my wheelchair in the photo?” But really what is there to hide? Why should I hide apart of myself? Why should I fear the behaviours of others?

Ignoring apart of myself will only lead to misery, to fixate on a unhealthy desire to be someone that I’m not destined to be and really who I don’t want to be. The thing is this hiding thing came really from a place of wanting rather the needing ??‍♀️ and who honestly wants to hide?-unless you eat the last sweet in the packet and you feel all eyes glare at you ??

So for the last few years I have dropped this want to hide and have allowed my wheels to be seen …and they do also say give credit whet credit is due and my chariot really does need this after all where she have taken me!

Let us not be afraid of who we are, let’s try to acknowledge all parts of ourselves . If we just try and not let those naysayers pollute our perception and force us to believe that we “should” be a certain way. Would we really want to be around these people?

Show of them beautiful peacock feathers and don’t be afraid in doing this … and just a heads up make sure no one is around as you devour the last sweet ??????

[Image description: Rebecca is sitting in her wheelchair. Rebecca is smiling at the camera. Behind her is a grass area ]

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Stay in your own lane

?✨ Hhhaaappy Magic Monday MyFabulous Ones ✨?

Live life how you want and don’t be held back from doing this?? No one is living your life but YOU! Free yourself child ?????

This wonderful illustration is by @helloitskayley ?

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Honour Connection

?? Happy Magic Monday my Fabulous Ones ??

To be able to connect to others is something I treasure and something over the last few years has meant even more to me? Its important to tell those closest to you that you love them ?

Let’s kick this week off by sharing a little love?????

Tag in the comments below those humans who just light up your heart ????

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Honour Connection

?? Happy Magic Monday my Fabulous Ones ??

To be able to connect to others is something I treasure and something over the last few years has meant even more to me? Its important to tell those closest to you that you love them ?

Let’s kick this week off by sharing a little love?????

Tag in the comments below those humans who just light up your heart ????

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Make Room For Your Challanges

Dear Reader,

Here we are just over a month into 2019, a sense of newness is around, resolutions have been made and we are all willing for changes. This time of year I have never been a great fan of, anticipation is heighted about what could be before us, there is a force to do greater, to do better, be fit and healthy, to implement visions and get all of the above done now… or if your anything like me a minute ago!!! These are more than enough thoughts to handle before we turn towards looking at judgement passed by others, talking among themselves having a classic mothers meeting, with the top topic of the agenda being whether ‘she has stuck to what she committed to doing ’. Well, forgive my ignorance (or don’t), but it is clear to see what these people have committed to and sadly are not about to break this anytime soon!! However, we, on the other hand, can keep on being out fabulous selves, trying and trying again to do our best!!

The tittle of this blog post, Make Room For Your Challanges, is one that at first glance my stir up negative emotions, be confusing and may even say it’s a slight contradiction to what I continue to say to you-but it’s not, don’t switch off just yet!!

I like to think that by now you know that I’m not one to back down and run from a challenge, if anything it makes me more determined to face it. This year I have, like many, made promises to myself, some which are the classic –be more healthier- and some are more personal to change some of my thinking habits to have a little more positive energy and to do things rather than day dreaming of things that ‘would it be nice’ . For a couple of Sundays now I have tried to plan my week ahead (in none other than a fabulous unicorn diary!!) in order to get my thoughts/ideas on to paper and make a plan- if I don’t, I try to do everything at once and so the absolute opposite happens: nothing gets done or a little of a few tasks get done but no one thing gets complete!!

The downside to planning things is that some time when plan, we plan in accordance to a ‘perfect’ day, week, month…. But what happens if things don’t quite work out the way you envisioned? What happens when not so pleasant things happen or we lose our mojo or we just didn’t give ourselves enough time needed? Well, most likely what we do when that happens is we scrap the plan completely, maybe mull over why things have turned out the way we want it to and wait for another ‘perfect’ day to start again!. As I have mentioned to you once or twice before that as part of my Cerebral Palsy I experience tremors, which varies from day to day, and this can have a knock on effect on what I am doing and therefore slows everything down, which, you guessed, leaves a very dissatisfied me! I think this feeling of deflation comes, at times like this, from not being able to fulfil the intentions I had for that day, week or month and leaves that thought of ever being on that treadmill with oh so much to do!!

Even though we like to kid ourselves that we can go 100mph, sometimes it is just not possible and it’s kinda isn’t healthy. This is why to me we should make room for our challenges. This does not mean that we are being defined by them but we are working not to be defined by them. When we move a stretch too far and work against our challenges this can cause us to slip one too many steps behind, we become irritated and come to the conclusion that it is better to give up. However when we take into consideration our hurdles and what that could imply, we can move forward encompassing moments of when our obstacles may show their face without being held back by them. It is from here we can make permanent changes to help fulfil our visions.

Acknowledge your challenges, get to know them and make time for them, instead of letting your challenges ruling you!! How are you going to make room for your challenges??

All my love XX