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Choose To Be Grateful

*This photo was taken by my beautiful Sister

Dear Reader,
What are you grateful for? What, in reflection, makes you thankful for the breath you are breathing?

Gratitude for the life I lead is something I have felt so deeply recently and want to share my thoughts with you! My trail of thought has been inspired by the multitude of devastation that have occurred in the world over the previous months and just this week the horrific conditions of the third world have been highlighted  once again- kindness is still in a severe drought.

We so very seldom stop and think; living in a fast paced society, trying to ‘keep up with the Joneses,’ pushing to be the best, and maybe, when our ego comes into play, try to outdo others. These primitive activities that society has created leave little or no room to think outside of our bubble, or what this bubble even denotes. So often we complain of not having enough, beginning sentences with “I wish I had,” but in fact those desirers- you and I- have hold of things others just dream of. This leads me to the thinking, and I will speak for myself here (as I don’t know your situation), how in fact I do have a luxurious lifestyle. Before you get ahead of yourself and create ungraspable, idyllic picture perhaps thinking that I’m some pompous jerk, not actually aware of what I am writing and how you may feel as a result of this-let me explain. When someone thinks of luxury and being luxurious they may associate it with having glistening diamonds, designer clothes, going to dinners at fancy restaurants etc., but in fact luxury is more to do with the ability to choose.

The ability to choose is something for I have in everyday day life. For example right from the morning I can DECIDE if I WANT to shower and with what soap, I can DECIDE whether I WANT a strong coffee OR tea and DECIDE how much milk and how many sugars I WANT, I can DECIDE whether I’ll start my day with cereal (and what type?) OR toast (and any toppings?) OR a cooked breakfast, then I can DECIDE what to wear, which could be based on weather OR the activities of the day, the day goes on I make more decisions- how I WANT to communicate with others by face-to-face OR ringing OR texting OR emailing OR through social media and what other activities I WANT to do that day and what, where, when, to have lunch/dinner. All these decisions that I make are MY choices in order to carve out the day and life I WANT.  These decisions and the notion of making everyday decisions, denotes luxuries yet I forget this way too often, luxuries that for many are unheard of- if I exchanged a ‘day in the life of..’ note with someone less fortunate than me, what  would I uncover? What would be different? Would anything be similar? What decisions would they have? How would this make them feel? What would they be grateful for?

I’m not saying that I should or anyone else who is lives a day made from a library of choices should feel guilty, unworthy or deny ourselves of the things, but we should be grateful; grateful for the environment we live in, grateful that live the life we do, grateful for the people round us and grateful for ourselves to experience the wonders our life however happy or sad as we can develop from this, allowing us to become stronger people. We were given this life to live it our way, using the tools we have; yearning for things we wished we had or that we think would make life better is ludicrous. Look within; what do you have to be grateful for? Look around you; what do you have to be grateful for? Celebrate your life and ALL you have!!!

All my love XX

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Here’s to you! Here’s to me! Here’s to us!

Dear Reader,

A big congratulation to you for making and experiencing another day!! You, me and the rest of the world were put on this very planet for definite, unique and individualised reasons; some of us know why and soaks up all of what that path has to offer, some of us know why but refuse to believe the reasons for their existence, some of us do not why and carries the weight of the ‘puzzling’ world on their shoulders and  then there are some that do not know their reason for existence but-to hell with logic-they dance in the moment.  I’d like to think that currently I am living somewhere in the last category. I definitely don’t have a mapped out plan of ‘where I’d like to be in five years’ time’ nor do I want one because that would be freakishly scary and kind of boring; seriously where is the excitement in knowing what kind of job you’ll have or where you’ll be in the world or what relationships you’ll have- everything is always changing anyway! I wasn’t always and am not always the chillaxing-to-the-max kind of girl; I always needed or wanted a plan knowing which paths I should take and which ones I should dodge. When I first appeared not to have a plan I freaked out, thinking, panicking ‘what now?‘ But I was still alive, I had people I could talk it out with, there was opportunities- or I had opportunities if I was to open my mind-, an0d I had me!!

Within all this internal roaming and frantic search to mute the bellowing siren which was going off inside the mind, I forgot how far I’ve come, what I had and how just to be. If I’m honest I think most of us go through these moments, moments that interrupts and halts a carefree day.  But as soon as this white noise aims to overtake, starting to play with your imagination and predicting the future- a future that is a fable because it is not here yet-, stop the racing thoughts and reflect.  Reflect on you and what you have achieved. Think back to those times where you have proved can’t wrong and have gone out there and TOTALLY ACED IT! This is by no means easy and celebrating yourself could sound a bit alien to you- it did to me too- and a little egotistical- it did to me too-but you and I are the only ones who allow ourselves to pursue and accomplish our set goals so it only makes sense for us to give ourselves a well done. This could mean that you faced a day where you wished you could have skipped over- you got through it, you survived: high five; the wishes and visions you had-you are now putting into practice: high five; those who said “you can’t”-  you did: high five; the unhelpful thoughts that were planted in your mind- you have let go of: high five;  you know that no one in the world is like you AND because of that the world has been waiting for you: come on, let’s hug it out!!!

You may have read my posts before (a huge thank you for coming back!) and therefore might know that I have something called Cerebral Palsy (a condition affecting muscle coordination). So some of my achievements have been to do with overcoming the physical challenges CP faces me with, trying to strengthen my mobility so that I can be as independent as I can. More achievements relate to personal goals, being determined not to be thrown off by anyone or anything or even myself! This comes in the form of facing fears, fulfilling my passions and finding my own voice. These triumphs are reminders to keep calm when things are a bit blurry.

As I have said before, thinking about your own accomplishments is hard and it is very easy to deny yourself of your worth, saying “I got nothing.” But I bet you got an ocean of amazements inside of you!!  I bet I’m right! How small or big you think your accomplishments are does not determine its credibility or worthiness of celebration. It’s about YOU and what YOU have overcome! Anything that’s fills you with excitement, anything that makes you jump for joy, anything that makes you feel alive, matters!! I hope that as you read this, you have thought of things that you have overcome please hold on to them for now and for always.

All my love XX

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Thriving Together

 

Dear Reader,

Up until now I have only disclosed about my disability once, earlier this year. Finding My Shoes was a way of saying yes I have cerebral palsy but I am a lot more than that. I am a lot more than the results you would find on Google if you were to type in ‘cerebral palsy.’ I would be waving my hands over here hoping you’d asked me directly about CP and my experience, instead of using a one-dimensional medium to assemble a picture; this picture would be highly inaccurate-no definitely inaccurate-, sorry to insult your wild imagination.
I am going to add a new element to From This Window, sharing you my experience of CP. I’m not quite sure if this whole new element will work, or whether it will work at all, but I am excited to see how this path will unfold. I hope that through writing about my journey with CP I will be more able to speak about my disability more comfortably and maybe through this new dimension, other people with CP or with other obstacles can relate and together we can thrive; I’m all for dancing on my own but isn’t it exciting, sometimes, when achievements are shared and built with others!! Who’s with me?!!

I have previously described to you that for me CP is like a lifelong teacher, so I will now share with you some tips and tricks that I have learnt and still learning along way!!!

Laughter, laughter and, yep, more laughter. People that know me will know I love to laugh and try to seek fun wherever I can. I think this innate quality is what has kept me level headed with CP. Therefore in a situation quite easily seem bleak, which would allow them moody clouds to roll in, I try and see a gap between CP and me. So when I rock up in my wheelchair and meet people for the first time they might act rather strange, by this I mean they might speak in slow motion and being quite patronising as if they I trying to feed me I brain cell that I need to chomp on. Then I reply: It is so funny to watch their faces as I speak, as if I have just ripped up their treasured tales that they whole-heartedly believed about society. I almost tell them “yep, I have seen enough of you tonsils,” but that would spoil the fun! On a serious note though, it is these moments ,when you feel that you are being prejudge, is when you need to whack up that fun dial in your mind and take whatever shred of light you can. This extends to making fun out of yourself: instances where CP does it thing and throws in a few wobbles as I walk, I see it as a unique style of ballet (but my toes remain completely intact).I am not saying that it is easy because sometimes it is very hard, especially the days when  you don’t feel as fabulous as you should; but please remember time will past and your time is to precious so don’t let anyone  or anything influence your state of mind- remove the root of that weed!!

Stop looking for excuses. We are the best at making excuses for ourselves- we did invent it after all!! We blame anything we can as to why we can’t do something and then we believe in that blame and think that it is real and so it becomes, as we think, a legitimate reason for why we can’t do something. I hold my hand up and say I have excused myself from situations because I believed in the obstacle I put  in the way; my speech is slightly impaired and used this to hide behind and asked who I knew well to speak on my behalf. But I wasn’t giving myself the chance to let others hear me, already thinking that I knew how and interaction would pan out: I would say something but they wouldn’t understand, then I would repeat what I said but they still wouldn’t know what I was saying, meanwhile my face would grow red with embarrassment. BUT this was my prejudgment. Slowly, with the encouragement of family and other people around me I grew my voice and realised that, on the whole, most people did understand me, in turn this increased me self-esteem. There are still time when people don’t understand words I say, but then I think how else I can phrase this to be understood. If that don’t work, I then ask my companion to repeat what I have said. There are still times when this excuse tries to creep in, but then there’s a saying “if you did it once you can do it again.” If that don’t talk to my excuse, I don’t know what will!!

Get creative! This tip follows from the previous. Having a disability means that sometime you have to take an alternative route to get to where you want to go-who wants to be a sheep anyway(not that I have anything against sheep)?! So, you knock down the walls of “I can’t,” step out of your comfort zone, move your sorry butt and make it happen!!  For me this means thinking of the resources that I have and using them to my advantage. I am doing this right now by writing to you. I am combining my experience of CP with my passion of writing and motivating others and moving forward to be more honest and open with myself and others; by starting with something that is more natural to me, i.e. writing thoughts down, it could help me in others areas life and how I deal with situations. So, moral of the tip: use what you got!

Never feel guilty! Okay big, scary, deep, I-can’t-believe-I-could-actually-write-that-down tip!!! This is something I am still learning and maybe will always be a continuing lesson. As a result of my CP, I need assistance from others for everyday tasks; this reliance on others at times leaves me with a deep sense of guilt, knowing that they are giving up their time for me. I know the people around might think these thoughts are completely absurd and might even be hurt, which is not my intention at all and heighten my guilt in turn. But instead of continuing on this helpless and hopeless path, I can channel this guilt into gratefulness and being thankful that there are people in my life who help me and allow me to continue to make the most out of living!! This was very hard to write, but important to write-write out your demons and change them into helpful elves!!

Just forget about!! Urmmm…okay this might strange, giving these words half a sneer, but seriously dude, drop the resistance and just forget about it once in a while!! Whatever your challenge is you deserve to take a break from it and let something else capture your full attention! Don’t you ever just enjoy the freeing feeling of just being in the moment? Well, I love it! It‘s in these times when I am most myself! Disability is not a definition of me nor should I let it; it’s something I happen to have, just like I happen to be a girl. So I will go out and enjoy, singing and dancing the night away, I will face fears and go on cable cars, squeezing my friend’s  hand in the process (for that I am very sorry), I will go and find nature hidden gems and admire something so much more greater and magnificent than ever imaginable and I will laugh because, Reader, life can be beautiful if you just let it and just be you, the fun-loving, inexcusable, creative, guilt-free, care-free you!!

These tips that I have learnt have helped me tremendously and keeps me moving forward. I hope these tips has also caused you something to think about; I would truly love to know what you think and maybe you have guidelines of you own you live by to help you, feel free to share this too!! Let’s thrive together!!

All my love XX

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Midnight Whispers

Dear Reader,

Lights out.

Duvet draped over my body. My feet are cold, gently rubbing against each other to seek warmth. This motion slowly breaks down and stops. My right foot is slightly in front of the left, my right leg slightly bent. My legs begin to feel weightless, as the sink into the bedsheets. This feeling travels up my body and grows ever more floppy, retreating from concentrated movements throughout the day. My neck feels light. The soft pillow cups my left cheek as my head tries to take refuge in its comfort. I listen to the growing silence. My eyes grow heavy, and I begin to drift into the darkness of the night

Then. My door greets a familiar knock. It the sound of the night’s sinister friend. They charge in and stir the quiet mind, my eyes awake. I know and I do not know this unwelcome creature. I know their manner. I know their boldness. I know the darkened tone of their dialogue. I know their insistent beg for attention. I know their convincing ways and their ability to enchant others into their manipulative thinking. I know their ability to instil fear in others and their excitement when the see others’ mind being defeated by their dread. I know their quick disappearance when they have done their work for the night, leaving their company filled with anguish. But I do not know why they have knocked on my door-do they have no friend? I do not know why they have picked this small hour to rock up. I do not know why they are filled with such misery and why they wish to burden me with this- I was perfectly at peace with the night. I do not know why they revel in pushing someone else’s panic buttons. I do not know why they have gone out of their way to highlight and magnify the unsolved. I do not know why they then like to leave when they have my undivided attention.

This nocturnal creature places themselves neatly on the edge of my pillow and prepares to give tonight’s sermon, calculating how to uproot the foundations I build to keep them at a distance. They then start.

“You thought you got away tonight. You thought you and the night were harmonious. You thought the night would allow you to drift to your sweet dream. You stupidly thought that finally you and the night were friends. Well, may I remind you that the night has allowed me to come. You have allowed me to come. I have been watching you from afar today…. I am here to tell you of the things you did wrong and keep doing wrong.”

I turn onto my right side. Silence resumes.  I pull the duvet and tuck it underneath my chin. My eyes start to feel heavy once more. The relentless creature continues; their voice grows louder.

“I am still here, just because you have turned you back on me does not mean I turn will my back on you. You have been careless and carefree. Too careless and carefree. Today you have ignored your weaknesses and stopped them from keeping you safe, I wouldn’t like to say what this has meant. But because- I am your friend, I will tell you and because I want what best for you, I will tell you. Today you thought strength was your friend and thought they showed you a good time. They showed you a glimmer of what they are and what you could be. You played well for a while but the pretence- it showed. You cannot be that because that is not you and you are not that. Eventually, they will find out and they will leave. And not only them but the people around you, they will see who you are and what you are not and will leave too. Although you won’t be left completely on your own, I will always be here-just listen. I am here to keep you safe; to keep you from self-destruct.

I take out my left hand from underneath the duvet and clinch the duvet close to my chest. I ruminate: “Who was I today?” “What was I today” “That was not me” “What must I have looked like?” I continue to wander to the corners of my mind I would rather leave undusted, but this cruel, twisted creature has lead me into their safety and, on the contrary, my weakness “maybe they will help” I think.

“Ah I am glad you have joined me- I knew you would,” they say with delight. “Today has been a dream tomorrow you will face your reality, your harsh reality. The reality you have created. The reality you don’t want. But because strength is your foe and fear is your friend, you will keep sitting on a ride unknown and retreat from moving. This is correct for you, you are the perfect spectator and one with great imagination- just let that be you.”

Their piercing words, their harsh tone and their sense of rescue in their voice characterises them as some kind of omniscient creature, who is here to direct me. However instead of shining me into the light, this creature has leaded me into a darkened wood, leaving no signs where to place my steps. These dreaded thoughts that I have met up with again seem to soar, just like those towering, giant trees in the wood. I grow wet with sweat and feel my racing heart- I have fell into the menacing creature’s trap once more; each time finding a more darker corner, leaving the mind paralysed in thought. I hunt for their refuge. They have turned their back.

My restless mind surrenders; my eyes fall shut.

All my love XX

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Mermaid and I

Dear Reader,

We all have special people in our lives that add that something to your life. I am very blessed to say that an extremely special person that makes life, living comes in the form of my sister. From my experience of being and having a sister, I can appreciatively say that it is a great privilege! A Sister for me is synonymic with having a lifelong friend; someone who you have known for always, someone who knows all of your quirks- good and bad- and is accepting of them and someone that is always there.

A sisterly relationship such as the one I have experience can be rare; I am really puzzled when I’m asked “So, do you get on with your sister?”  I have only one answer “My sister is my best friend.”

My sister, I will introduce you to on here as Mermaid, has such an importance in my life and makes me a better stronger and more confidant person, always telling me to ‘’go, get it,’’ when I present doubts. You know them people who make you forget your woes? – Well meet Mermaid. She has the ability to do this. With Mermaid around you are never down beat for too long; laughs are endless. Whether it’s the everyday girlie questions – ‘’What shoes go better with this skirt’’ or the more in depth conversations where we’ll go on a long drive and chat everything out, or the ‘let’s just have fun’ days, I know I call on Mermaid.

My sister and I have always been close, but as time goes by years and experiences pulls us closer together and allow us to have a better understanding of each other; it is these insights that enable us both to be stronger people and with this can encourage each other in areas we are not so great in and celebrate and enjoy other parts of our lives.

A voice of reason, a zest for life and radiance of sunshine is how I would describe Mermaid. She is such a great motivator to me and shows me just what courage can do, if you are to fully embrace it! I love Mermaids fearless  pursuit of wanting to explore the world and her countless traveling stories are so inspiring, I’m sooo excited for her travels later this year.

I believe her positive soul is influenced by her spirituality. With this, she has used her spirituality to not only empower the self but others in her life, which is a really wonderful thing. Mermaid has taught me and others so much through her journey of spiritual growth and has shown me how deeply connected we all are to the Universe. ‘’Everything you need is within you’’ as Mermaid would say.

Recently, Mermaid has started a new venture and is turning what she once saw as a dream into a living reality, setting up her online jewellery business, The Wandering Mermaids. Her ideas and creativity are simple brilliance. These authentic handmade pieces are constructed with thought, imagination and array of vibrant colours. The jewellery created captures Mermaid’s heart; fun, liveliness and love, infused with elegance. She has also displayed her mystical side by incorporating elements of spirituality in her designs. Below are some of my favourite creations Mermaid have made:

This new project is really exciting for Mermaid and I am so thrilled at how wonderfully it’s taken off. Watching her making custom made orders with so much love makes me so happy. You can also follow her journey and also request orders on her Instagram page @thewanderingmermaids

She has shown me that there are no limits, that limits are figments of the imagination and that with a little self-believe, you can do anything! She continues to me my guiding light.

I have really enjoyed sharing with you this treasured person in my life. Through writing about my sister and describing the beautiful relationship I have with her, it has made me more grateful for her existence; I truly would be lost without her. I am forever thankful for my experience of sisterhood.

All my love XX

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Believe. Then Do!!

Dear Reader,

This post will be strangely short! I just want to remind you one thing that I heavily promote on this blog, something I believe is important, to remind others that YOU CAN!!

Over the past year and a bit since I have been writing to you, my confidence and desire to share my thoughts and words with others have grown stronger; from my first post where I said to myself “Just go with it!” not realising then how important writing to you would be to me! In my writing I work hard to create pieces I hope to encourage, motivate or simply make you think- if my words are to have an effect on you. From the feedback I have got from you I think I am doing this!! You, by doing this, have told me I can!!! And with this I have taken an exciting, unknown adventure with my writing- I am now very, very excited to announce that I am now a contributor for the online magazine, In-Spire LS Magazine!! This magazine is, to me, an incredible platform that works towards empowering their readers in varied ways. It is my absolute dream come true to be a part of such a positive community and to have another outlet to share my passion! It is a reminder to have self-believe, if this only a small glimmer-hold on to it and do not let go!! (There, you have been told!! : ) ) Your hard work and dedication will serve you well!!

A huge huge thank you to you for your continuing support, it really means so much!! Without my readers, I would not have this confidence to take these risks!!

I will sign off with a quote, by author R.S Grey, that always pulls at my heart strings; I think these simple words encompass so much depth:

“She believed she could, so she did”

 

All my love XX

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A Dedication

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Dear Reader,

We all think we have time. Time to do that thing we keep putting off, sometime next week. Time to go to that place we promise ourselves we will go to, someday. And the dangerous type mistrust put in time, time to phone or message someone tomorrow. But in fact in a flash, the imagination invested into how things would be and creating in our minds the how a particular event would go, the experiences we may gain from a certain place, or the conversations we may have with someone, all is suddenly gone. Just like that. Just like that all our fantasies are left as fantasies without them ever evolving into play. Just like that all this hyped emotion surrounding anxiety and anticipation over the predicted future disappears. Just like that we find ourselves grieving over yesterday and wishing we had acted sooner. It is these ‘cold shower’ moments, which make us be in sync with our senses and in touch with where and who we are and who we could become if we were more open; if we can’t do this for ourselves, do this for what has been lost. This is a very hard concept to grasp; it can take hours, days, weeks, months or even years to realise and come to terms with what was taken by time, unable to comprehend the present. It could be something that we are able to just barely touch with our fingertips.

I had this school friend. This friend and I shared a mutual fondness, laughs and banter, and used to speak with eyes when speaking with words were an unavailable option. School years went by and it was time for my friend to move onto university (they were 2 years older), we said we’d keep in touch and for a while we did. However we lost contact, only saying a quick hello at birthdays- they were only two days apart, but my friend was never far from my mind, they were too special. Although my friend and I shared similar ground, both living with a physical disability, we did not share much about our personal difficulties; maybe this was because we were caught up being teenagers, maybe they too big to express, or maybe they just escaped our minds for a while. One thing I didn’t know about my friend, at the time, is the extent of their condition: that it was life limiting. But maybe if I knew this, the friendship we had would have been different, maybe we just shared enough- in order for both of us to enjoy and benefit from the exchange. Recently my friend has passed away. To say the least, this was quite shocking. My friend was only 25 years old. They were at an age where most people at this age are trying to get a handle on adulthood, with some having freak-out moments of not being where they thought they would be. But, really, are these mind crippling thoughts worth it? Life is more than career, money, materialistic things-that eventually you grow tired of. The one question that we all should be asking ourselves is what makes us happy? As I write I wonder what thoughts my friend had. What did they think of peoples’ worries about the trivial things? Did they have thoughts which began ‘what I would do is’? What did they prioritise? A dominant question in my mind is, was my friend scared?

I feel guilty that l lost touch with them and didn’t let them know I was thinking them. I feel guilty that now it is too late to turn my thought -maybe I’ll send them a message- into an action. I hope this post connotes how much I did value the friendship we had.

These times of grieve and loss, are reminders that we have only now to live. It is now we can make changes. Now we can remove the negatives and focus on the positives and finding, or living, in our personal definitions of life. Most importantly it is now that we have to reach out the people we care about and build on our relationships’, don’t let it be too late to demonstrate how much you value others. There might not be tomorrow.

I am dedicating this post to my friend. A friend that has taught me not to take time for granted.

All my love XX

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A Reflection

Dear Reader,

On February 15th 2016, exactly one year ago today, I first shared with you a view From This Window. Back then I did not quite know how my words or thoughts would be or would not be, received, but I knew I wanted this blog to promote motivation and hope as well as creating a space to communicate my reflections and ideas about this weird and wonderful world!!

From This Window is a take on the saying “Eyes are the windows to the soul,” what I write, what I share with you and what you read, is how I think of and feel the world. Also, and very crucially important From This Window means that what I express to you are my views. I am not here to tell you “This is THE and only way,” you might completely disagree with what you read and that is okay, we all have our own path- I just like sharing some of my soil!!

However I cannot take all of the credit for the platform of which I share my passion of writing; just over a year ago my very dear friend proposed to me the idea of creating a space to share my words, an idea which at first startled me and, like any big idea, formed an array of thoughts that left no singular thought to breathe and grow. Could I present my imagery and view point accurately enough? Would my words be of interest? In this moment of fluster I left out two vital questions, two questions that should be at the forefront of any venture, creatively or otherwise, which are what is important to me? and what point do I want to make? A few days after this conversation and a lot of mulling over these thoughts, I saw the incredibly beautiful film The Danish Girl. I then had an ‘a-ha’ moment. I would write about The Danish Girl focusing on loss, a theme very prominent in the film and a subject which I could also identify with. The next thing was Loss and The Danish Girl was created! Through writing to you, my passion for writing has deepened even more. I have been able to express to you itching thoughts, and hope that at least some of what I tell you will provoke thought within you. The idea of sharing more personal experiences with you was something I was slightly more apprehensive over. I could to the most detailed commentary on the world around me but writing about myself…well I just counted how many times the cursor flashed!! But through conversations and my cherished sister positive affirmation “Just be you,”  I was able to change my perspective of “I” and reveal to you things from behind this window. Since Finding My Shoes, the first post in which I did this, I find myself refreshingly comfortable in sharing with you thoughts from a more personal stance and maybe my hope for this blog to offer motivation will have more of an ability to be absorbed!!

Thank you for all your time in reading my entries over the past year and for your much appreciated feedback. If this is your first read on From This Window, thank you also for your time, I hope you will come back and visit to read more. The aim of my second year of blogging is to write to you much more and to carry on trying to do what I believe to be truly important in life and motivate others!

Here’s to the first year of From This Window!! (The cake was delicious- yes, I know another week that Sugar Sunday has been abandoned! 😉 )
All my love XX

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Stop Thinking and Think!

Dear Reader,

How is that year, you called THE year going? What changes have you made? Have your desires to put your thoughts into action been fulfilled? Or has time slipped, deeming it as ungraspable and a greater force, sitting in the same chair as yesterday, wishing of a planless daydream and none of the goals of 2017 being ticked off? This platform allows the voice in your mind to be a passive nurturer that enables maintenance of this unhelpful stream of thought. The voice grows louder, keeping you stationary, as time moves forward.

Well, I’m sure I am not the first person to tell you that this dwelling on what could be, what if’s, what not’s and what could have beens’ is an experience shared by many –including myself. This thought process is something that causes utter panic and fear, by perhaps stimulating some sort of need to enter the nostalgic garden, a place where I sometimes find myself meandering, thinking the air was fresher and safe when I leave I ask myself “that was then, where am I now?” People are very talented and skilled at thinking about the past and imaging the future, but the middle bit, the bit that gets forgotten is the present. This present, as I write it. comes to me, is actually a present. While we are preoccupied with everything but the now, we are ignoring the insistent knocking of the character of the present from being let in. The sound of the present may provoke unpleasant and uneasy feelings, BUT we can use the present to change what the present echoes, and that’s why the present is a present; unwrapping its dreamy complexities and work with what is actually there!! “Good one, great, unrealistic point made” you might say. But wait before you change your choice of read, think about what you are doing right now. You are turning off the present switch and going back to your dreamland. Wouldn’t it be nice to stay and put in good grounded plans in place to have a reality of you dreams?- Come on, stay! You will also get a huge thanks!

The truth is I also had a big idea of how I would start off my 2017. The stereotypical, eat well, sugar only on weekends, keep fit and the more personal, write to you more frequently and get a plan together for what the heck I want to do next. Results from the first twelfth are in and shows a slight detour from this grand idea. I have eaten well, if this was to include my love affair with biscuits –sometimes Sugar Sunday is just not enough-, I have tried to exercise more though- maybe once a week sometimes twice but for me that’s good (I am not going red…I just got… warm all of a sudden), I am trying to plan to write to you once or twice a month, I was very lax in my first year of blogging and that didn’t sit well with me- so  I will work harder, designating time each month to try and achieve this aim! Okay I haven’t exactly demonstrated the story I sold myself before New Year, but I am trying to at least grabble with and trying and make possible my intentions. In some ways it is a very, snail-paced process BUT I am moving!!! I am trying to adopt and attitude that says don’t let your next present moment be filled with thoughts which echo ‘actually I could have done that, but I was thinking ‘what if.’ Be present now!!

I am writing this post not only to remind others and myself about the limitless wonders of the present, but to pose a question, ‘what can you/I do now?’ and with this hope that you let yourself hear the knocking of the present. In addition to this hopefully provoking thoughts, I hope that this will facilitate conversation, maybe the present has just revealed itself, maybe the plan-that was just left entitled ‘THE PLAN’- have now mapped itself out, maybe you only now have a vague idea of what you want or maybe you are just shaking your head and saying  “Sorry chick, you lost me at ‘Dear Reader’” . Whatever thoughts you have on this I would love to know!!!

I hope, for those of you still reading this, you have enjoyed you extended stay in the present- a huge thanks!!!

All my love XX

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Finding My Shoes

Dear Reader,

The word ‘I’ and it’s frequent uses, used to connote to me egotism and self-absorption; thoughts that inner personal feelings and experiences should only be shared in a few and far between perfectly ‘right timed’ moments, was my thinking. Moments that would be, and sometimes still are, analysed and questioned if it’s ‘okay’ to express my thoughts without my words being visually imagined as some kind of eyesore. BUT, actually talking/writing about the ‘I’ is something to admire; to have confidence to pronounce ‘I am this’ ‘I am not that’ ‘I like this’ and ‘I don’t give a hoot about that’ is something that lacked in me, is something that was wrongfully called being an egotistical jerk (my own ego was winning that fight) and is something to be embraced. So here I AM!!!

Previous posts which I have written have commentated on the world around me, without ever revealing to you who the commentator was. This is what I have realised through conversations with others. This truth should be shared. I have forgotten that one also can find comfort, and perhaps strength in the ‘honesty in your words’ from more personal experience, a very dear soul recently explained to me. So I will now share with you, I.

I will start this new level of honesty by sharing with you something which I rarely talk about (when I do, I skip over it quickly), yet is important to express; not only for some form of self-liberation but, to perhaps encourage others to simply be. I have something called Cerebral Palsy, which is something that affects my muscle coordination. This means I have difficulty walking (or as I like to say, perform dramatic ballet) and due to this, I use a wheelchair to get about most of the time. The reason why I keep this matter needlessly under wraps is out of the want to avoid the fearsomely narrow-minded people. These people are freakily quick to create a story in their mind- you know how that story ended  their ‘H-E-L-L-O.’ Instead of getting to know the person, these people have placed them in already labelled boxes, just by observations, which they do not deserve to be in.( I know I am not in the right box that I was placed in by that uninviting, degrading and patronising ‘H-E-L-L-O.’) Then these boxes are put behind some fancy, closed curtain, that blends with the décor of their room and these people, with these incomprehensible views, forget about what has just happened. But as I think about this, it up to me how I use or not use the opinion of others, it does not need to have an impact.

I started with the disclosure of CP with I have. This is the most important thing for myself and others with CP or with other obstacles to remember; it is something that I have, but it is not who I am! When thinking about CP, I think of it as having a lifelong teacher. I characterise this teacher as a helpful springboard within life, guiding me through times of difficulty, enabling me to discover alternative ways to grasp hold of life. Having CP means my hands are a little shaky, and so I have help from others to assist me with things that would be a little tricky to do otherwise. I have learnt that it is okay not to be a solitary leader all the time; sometimes it nice to turn to someone to seek assurance- but just remember not to lose who YOU are. In turn, my teacher has also taught me another level of gratefulness for the treasured people in my life who have helped me on my way, a million thank yous are simply not enough.

But sometimes, I see my teacher as cruel; my teacher see the things I want and waves it in front of me, like a child at Christmas when they see the thing they want most in a window display, but it is unattainable. I enter this cycle of negativity, asking myself dangerous, too dark to handle, questions such as “What if I didn’t have CP?” “What would life be like without CP?” I go into a dreamy state and start to visualise. Meanwhile time slips, being wasted on figments of imagination, attempting to reply to these ridiculous questions that are impossible to answer. I suddenly refrain from entertaining these thoughts and refuse to be pulled along by a rope surrounded by a foggy, dull and opaque cloud. A more helpful voice interrupts this internal conversation “What have CP given me?”. I start to try and dismantle the trail of thought. I realise that my teacher’s stubborn ways have made me work harder to find myself at the other side of the obstacles it challenges me with. I reflect. The girl who was told she would never sit up can now walk linking arms with someone (this is when I can show off my dramatic ballet- if I feel like it); the girl that used to get nervous when speaking to strangers due to impaired speech is now not as bothered anymore (speaking has got better over time- when there is difficulty being understood why not see as an opportunity to let the voice be heard, again!!); the girl, who at just six/seven years old, once advised to leave mainstream school, thinking I could never achieve,  ignored and proved that advice to be the wrong advice (a huge thank you to my treasured Mum for being my voice here) and went on to deepen my love of learning and went on to study Psychology at university, the girl who used to avoid, or loosely use, the one-lettered word is now saying/writing ‘I’ (a big thank you to my sister, who I simply adore, who have also helped me to find this confidence). With this said the answer to the question “What has CP given me?” is determination. The determination to use my legs for their intended purpose.  The determination to overcome fear and allow my voice to be heard directly. The determination to disprove doubt and succeed in my passions. The determination to find the courage to share personal experiences with you, without my ego being triumphant when nudging me and being annoyingly inquisitive asking “Why are you speaking/writing like that for?” sorry ego you just have to lick your wounds!!!

Coming from this, one of my favourite things about my teacher is when my teacher goes on holiday leaving me, well, to just be me, making their appearance when I need to learn or revisit a lesson I have not grasped. It is these times, when I’m left to be me, when who I AM is let be. I am a member of a family, who have my whole heart. I am a nature lover and enjoy being in its environment, witnessing all of nature’s wonders. I am a bad joker, or so I am told by those who have also chuckled. I am the world’s biggest lover of food, pasta- with melted cheese on top, or a delicious juicy mango, or some strawberries, or chocolate- Dairy Milk’s Marvellous Creations to be precise-, are just some of the foods that make me go starry-eyed. I am a blogger, it is a space where it allows me to share my thoughts, views, imagination, and reflect. Lastly, not written in an intended order nor is it the final thing that I am, is that I am also someone, like many, who is trying to find their way in the world- trying on many shoes, searching for the ones that fit best that maybe are yet to be made.

And there, we have it. I have written with the word ‘I’ and shared with you a little about me! I have realised that the ego does not have to play a role when describing myself. The ego might put on its fancy frock, but it is up to me whether I entertain it. Yes writing this was difficult but I have got to the top of this mountain- the view from here is so liberating!!! If you struggle with speaking/writing from the ‘I,’ try this just once. Do this powered with honesty and resilience. Set yourself free from the prison you have built yourself. Who knows, you might do it again? I know I AM!!!

Thank you so much for reading this.

All my love XX