Tell Your Truth


Photography: @mermaiidmairead

Dear Readers

It has been such a long time since I have written a piece on here, just from me to you. I am really sorry for this. I have discovered that I am not good a multi-tasking, dipping between book and blogger writer mode, but I am learning lots through this!!! I hope though, that you are enjoying the Magic Mondays posts and Fabulous Ones stories- more to come soon!

Recently, I have been reminded by others about the importance of honesty and to tell your whole truth. With this I have learnt that in order to grow you have to let go or let people in. This is something that I am not good at and palm off any struggles, usually with “No worries, its fine” I think that is maybe a ploy to myself to think I’m all ‘a-okay.’ But going down this stream is a little unhealthy and instead of knocking down walls, I am protecting them. One of main messages that I tell you is to keep going and you will overcome your obstacles, but with this I am not sharing why this is to believed, nor my struggle not to give up, so how can I ask you to really believe in my words? And how can I really convince you that it is not some lines I nicked from a good old Disney classic-I have nothing against Disney btw in fact I am huge fan and up for a re-run anytime, just say when!!! I know I have told you parts of my story but I have always tried to put a positive spin on this and even though I have been honest with my words, I have not told you the other parts of my truth, so here goes.

We live in a world, especially here in the west, whereby the pace of life is so fast and we seem like we are forever catching up, take for example waiting for the internet to load on our phones/computers for a few seconds is just a little thing to get us fumed up. We are always planning our next step and not fully considering what we’re doing at a particular moment. And don’t get me even started on how, somewhat isolated we are also becoming with self checkouts being nearly everywhere now, ‘self’ depicting the way in which we are going. A few years ago I watched a documentary with Joanna Lumley (who I think is indeed absolutely fabulous) where she visited a hotel in which staff were replaced by robots- has life become that busy whereby people would rather check-in, go up to their rooms without passing the time of day with a stranger, or greet a familiar face when coming down to breakfast? ( I know we all race to the coffee machines in the mornings, but that is besides the point) yep, I am waffling again!

The thing is, I am also one of those people who lives or want to live in the fast lane sometimes, I think writing is the only time I zone out,,, I guess for me it almost a meditative-like thing. Cerebral Palsy means my muscles are a little uncoordinated and reaction times are a little slower –science in school did therefore did come in handy if it was to only clarify that, yes I do have delayed responses!!

I know life is not a race and we are all meant to go at different paces. I even posted on my Instagram a few months ago about just taking a breathe and being be present and I do stand by that, but sometimes I can lead myself down a rabbit hole and forget this. So for example writing out a text or an IG post may take me a bit longer to write out then hoped or being the last person to finish a meal (now this gets on my nerves for a whole other reason- I have the biggest sweet tooth but like mumma says ‘you gotta eat every last pea first’). Sometimes I get really irritated by my pace and wish could go a little faster. Even though my love affair with writing is forever, sometimes I get so frustrated if I am having a day where I am even more slow than usual, but in my mind I am two paragraphs ahead and also this laptop is meeting the wall, I have a feeling that won’t be helpful in the slightest!!

Verbalising these struggles is not the easiest thing to do and I think writing these as been one of the first times I have explained my thoughts. Perhaps subconsciously I have thought this would be complaining or just a bid to excuse myself, telling myself I am just being lazy. Thinking about this though acknowledging difficulties, is a form of acceptance and a way to not let it be so much of a battle that we are fighting up against.

The point of this post is to say that it is ok not to only show a smiley face to the world, we all face challenges and sometimes by sharing these we can help and encourage others as well as ourselves. Keeping a lid on our thought and emotion will only create an unwelcomed explosion.

All my love XX

A Dedication

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Dear Reader,

We all think we have time. Time to do that thing we keep putting off, sometime next week. Time to go to that place we promise ourselves we will go to, someday. And the dangerous type mistrust put in time, time to phone or message someone tomorrow. But in fact in a flash, the imagination invested into how things would be and creating in our minds the how a particular event would go, the experiences we may gain from a certain place, or the conversations we may have with someone, all is suddenly gone. Just like that. Just like that all our fantasies are left as fantasies without them ever evolving into play. Just like that all this hyped emotion surrounding anxiety and anticipation over the predicted future disappears. Just like that we find ourselves grieving over yesterday and wishing we had acted sooner. It is these ‘cold shower’ moments, which make us be in sync with our senses and in touch with where and who we are and who we could become if we were more open; if we can’t do this for ourselves, do this for what has been lost. This is a very hard concept to grasp; it can take hours, days, weeks, months or even years to realise and come to terms with what was taken by time, unable to comprehend the present. It could be something that we are able to just barely touch with our fingertips.

I had this school friend. This friend and I shared a mutual fondness, laughs and banter, and used to speak with eyes when speaking with words were an unavailable option. School years went by and it was time for my friend to move onto university (they were 2 years older), we said we’d keep in touch and for a while we did. However we lost contact, only saying a quick hello at birthdays- they were only two days apart, but my friend was never far from my mind, they were too special. Although my friend and I shared similar ground, both living with a physical disability, we did not share much about our personal difficulties; maybe this was because we were caught up being teenagers, maybe they too big to express, or maybe they just escaped our minds for a while. One thing I didn’t know about my friend, at the time, is the extent of their condition: that it was life limiting. But maybe if I knew this, the friendship we had would have been different, maybe we just shared enough- in order for both of us to enjoy and benefit from the exchange. Recently my friend has passed away. To say the least, this was quite shocking. My friend was only 25 years old. They were at an age where most people at this age are trying to get a handle on adulthood, with some having freak-out moments of not being where they thought they would be. But, really, are these mind crippling thoughts worth it? Life is more than career, money, materialistic things-that eventually you grow tired of. The one question that we all should be asking ourselves is what makes us happy? As I write I wonder what thoughts my friend had. What did they think of peoples’ worries about the trivial things? Did they have thoughts which began ‘what I would do is’? What did they prioritise? A dominant question in my mind is, was my friend scared?

I feel guilty that l lost touch with them and didn’t let them know I was thinking them. I feel guilty that now it is too late to turn my thought -maybe I’ll send them a message- into an action. I hope this post connotes how much I did value the friendship we had.

These times of grieve and loss, are reminders that we have only now to live. It is now we can make changes. Now we can remove the negatives and focus on the positives and finding, or living, in our personal definitions of life. Most importantly it is now that we have to reach out the people we care about and build on our relationships’, don’t let it be too late to demonstrate how much you value others. There might not be tomorrow.

I am dedicating this post to my friend. A friend that has taught me not to take time for granted.

All my love XX

The Wolf of Time

Hello Readers,

Lately I have been thinking about the concept of time and its meaning. I thought I would share my thoughts and questions with you and maybe ‘open a new door’ as to how time is percevied!!

If time was a character what would it be? Would time be a character deemed as enchanting and one that radiates warmth? Would you personify time as a protector, allowing you to experience beautiful and meaningful moments, aiding your development? Or would you describe time as a cruel, deceitful and overriding character, letting the vibrant lights of life quickly fade with its shadow looming over, reflecting the stillness of your world?- Back to the real life you go, you hear time say. How would the face of your time look? Would it have an endearing smile and eyes which would unlock and grant you your hopes and dreams that you envisioned? Or would time’s face be emotionless, giving you a cold glare with its stone eyes that conveys authority and overruling power, leaving you feeling crushed?

The idea of what time is, what time means, can change throughout one’s life. Time in childhood should bring one moments of joy, beauty and pleasure, a period in which one is given a chance to explore their surroundings, a stage in which that dreams are created. As children we try to hold on to the aspects of life that filled with fun, laughter and love, trying to make activities which exudes such moments last longer, whilst rushing through other more mundane activities. It could be said that time is segmented, renamed and categorised into joyful and pleasurable and gloomy and uninspiring events; the way in which a child expresses these times suggest how favourable or favourable they are. For example the way that a child excitably announce that ‘Its playtime’ depicts that it’s moment of magic and wonder, contrary to when ‘Its homework time’ said in a lifeless tone.

This want to breeze past some moments of time and meander through others is shared by adults, but to a lesser extent. Suddenly you wake up to the fact the there is no second chance; time is slippery, there is a limit to how long you have to hold on to something. It is only as you get older that you truly appreciate time and what time have given you; you might have been taught useful lessons, making you wiser and equipped for the unused time, you might have been given a chance to fulfil a dream or simply given you moments for you to treasure.

The harsh fact that time is running out, or that time is not giving you enough space to full, leaves you panicking, trembling with fear: ‘I want to do this..’ ‘When can I do this now?’ Yet whilst one experience all these thought and feelings, time is still continuing, getting older, fading; the volume of life left in the timer is slowly disappearing. W. H Auden once wrote in a poem ‘You cannot conquer time,’ personifying time as an all-knowing character. However instead of taking on a defeatist view, seeing time as an enemy, create a harmonious connection with time, go forward with ease. Change that monologue in your head from ‘What I could haves’ to ‘What I can dos.’ Make time your friend; is it the one that will see you until the very end- who knows how your character of time could change?!!

I hope you have enjoyed this read and thank you for you so much time!!

Untill next time,

All my love XX