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Celebrations and Announcements!!!

Dear Reader,

I am writing to you today with a whole lot of excitement along with a few nerves!! I have been itching to tell you something for so long but you know when you are unsure whether it is right timing? Well, this is something I have debated and, oh my, the amount of fantastic imaginative stories my little brain has cooked up-some are  completely delicious, while others I would rather pass on. But, my fabulous dear one, as we have previously discovered the time is now-live on the other side of fear!!!

This also comes on a day that marks my second year of blogging! Time that has gone so fast. Time that has in some ways allowed me to be more open and honest, especially this last year. Time that has removed one of my big fears and has allowed me to find my shoes, at least for now. All of this has come from writing to you and sharing my thoughts that you have very kindly read and have also shared your views, which I am hugely thankful for!!

I have recently watched a speech that one of my favourite authors, Elizabeth Gilbert, gave a few years ago about passion and curiosity. She tells her audience not to get too hung up on finding their passion and just be curious, explaining that by being curious “[It] Just might lead you to your passion!” This is exactly what happened to me through writing on here; when I first started writing I didn’t know really where it would lead. It was a hobby but then it grew into something that I loved, that truly awoke me.  I write with, hopefully, an empowering message that you can, that there are no limits, to reach for you dreams and to be present- using every moment to be an opportunity to enhance yourself; this is not only for you, but to remind myself as well when I don’t feel as fabulous as I should!

From the support of you and my family and friendd (and also my fluffy friend Talulah, seen in the picture above) my self-believe has grown, allowing mee to take my writing one exciting step further (gulp)…. I am in the middle of writing a book!! This is something I am really exciting about and cannot wait to share more about this with you.  I do not want to give away too much yet but what I will say is that these writings are, on the one hand, very personal and also, on the other, universal and are words that represents in every way a beautiful journey.  Through this project I have learnt to let go of my fear of not knowing where life is going and just dance in the moment. It is my wish that you can do the same and feel joy when finding your shoes

Within the following months, I hope to share with you more about this exciting venture, but for now I want to thank you for your continued support- it means more than you will ever know!!  Every comment, every thought is truly appreciated in their own right. Remember to live well and be happy!

All my love XX

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Midnight Whispers

Dear Reader,

Lights out.

Duvet draped over my body. My feet are cold, gently rubbing against each other to seek warmth. This motion slowly breaks down and stops. My right foot is slightly in front of the left, my right leg slightly bent. My legs begin to feel weightless, as the sink into the bedsheets. This feeling travels up my body and grows ever more floppy, retreating from concentrated movements throughout the day. My neck feels light. The soft pillow cups my left cheek as my head tries to take refuge in its comfort. I listen to the growing silence. My eyes grow heavy, and I begin to drift into the darkness of the night

Then. My door greets a familiar knock. It the sound of the night’s sinister friend. They charge in and stir the quiet mind, my eyes awake. I know and I do not know this unwelcome creature. I know their manner. I know their boldness. I know the darkened tone of their dialogue. I know their insistent beg for attention. I know their convincing ways and their ability to enchant others into their manipulative thinking. I know their ability to instil fear in others and their excitement when the see others’ mind being defeated by their dread. I know their quick disappearance when they have done their work for the night, leaving their company filled with anguish. But I do not know why they have knocked on my door-do they have no friend? I do not know why they have picked this small hour to rock up. I do not know why they are filled with such misery and why they wish to burden me with this- I was perfectly at peace with the night. I do not know why they revel in pushing someone else’s panic buttons. I do not know why they have gone out of their way to highlight and magnify the unsolved. I do not know why they then like to leave when they have my undivided attention.

This nocturnal creature places themselves neatly on the edge of my pillow and prepares to give tonight’s sermon, calculating how to uproot the foundations I build to keep them at a distance. They then start.

“You thought you got away tonight. You thought you and the night were harmonious. You thought the night would allow you to drift to your sweet dream. You stupidly thought that finally you and the night were friends. Well, may I remind you that the night has allowed me to come. You have allowed me to come. I have been watching you from afar today…. I am here to tell you of the things you did wrong and keep doing wrong.”

I turn onto my right side. Silence resumes.  I pull the duvet and tuck it underneath my chin. My eyes start to feel heavy once more. The relentless creature continues; their voice grows louder.

“I am still here, just because you have turned you back on me does not mean I turn will my back on you. You have been careless and carefree. Too careless and carefree. Today you have ignored your weaknesses and stopped them from keeping you safe, I wouldn’t like to say what this has meant. But because- I am your friend, I will tell you and because I want what best for you, I will tell you. Today you thought strength was your friend and thought they showed you a good time. They showed you a glimmer of what they are and what you could be. You played well for a while but the pretence- it showed. You cannot be that because that is not you and you are not that. Eventually, they will find out and they will leave. And not only them but the people around you, they will see who you are and what you are not and will leave too. Although you won’t be left completely on your own, I will always be here-just listen. I am here to keep you safe; to keep you from self-destruct.

I take out my left hand from underneath the duvet and clinch the duvet close to my chest. I ruminate: “Who was I today?” “What was I today” “That was not me” “What must I have looked like?” I continue to wander to the corners of my mind I would rather leave undusted, but this cruel, twisted creature has lead me into their safety and, on the contrary, my weakness “maybe they will help” I think.

“Ah I am glad you have joined me- I knew you would,” they say with delight. “Today has been a dream tomorrow you will face your reality, your harsh reality. The reality you have created. The reality you don’t want. But because strength is your foe and fear is your friend, you will keep sitting on a ride unknown and retreat from moving. This is correct for you, you are the perfect spectator and one with great imagination- just let that be you.”

Their piercing words, their harsh tone and their sense of rescue in their voice characterises them as some kind of omniscient creature, who is here to direct me. However instead of shining me into the light, this creature has leaded me into a darkened wood, leaving no signs where to place my steps. These dreaded thoughts that I have met up with again seem to soar, just like those towering, giant trees in the wood. I grow wet with sweat and feel my racing heart- I have fell into the menacing creature’s trap once more; each time finding a more darker corner, leaving the mind paralysed in thought. I hunt for their refuge. They have turned their back.

My restless mind surrenders; my eyes fall shut.

All my love XX