Stop Thinking and Think!

Dear Reader,

How is that year, you called THE year going? What changes have you made? Have your desires to put your thoughts into action been fulfilled? Or has time slipped, deeming it as ungraspable and a greater force, sitting in the same chair as yesterday, wishing of a planless daydream and none of the goals of 2017 being ticked off? This platform allows the voice in your mind to be a passive nurturer that enables maintenance of this unhelpful stream of thought. The voice grows louder, keeping you stationary, as time moves forward.

Well, I’m sure I am not the first person to tell you that this dwelling on what could be, what if’s, what not’s and what could have beens’ is an experience shared by many –including myself. This thought process is something that causes utter panic and fear, by perhaps stimulating some sort of need to enter the nostalgic garden, a place where I sometimes find myself meandering, thinking the air was fresher and safe when I leave I ask myself “that was then, where am I now?” People are very talented and skilled at thinking about the past and imaging the future, but the middle bit, the bit that gets forgotten is the present. This present, as I write it. comes to me, is actually a present. While we are preoccupied with everything but the now, we are ignoring the insistent knocking of the character of the present from being let in. The sound of the present may provoke unpleasant and uneasy feelings, BUT we can use the present to change what the present echoes, and that’s why the present is a present; unwrapping its dreamy complexities and work with what is actually there!! “Good one, great, unrealistic point made” you might say. But wait before you change your choice of read, think about what you are doing right now. You are turning off the present switch and going back to your dreamland. Wouldn’t it be nice to stay and put in good grounded plans in place to have a reality of you dreams?- Come on, stay! You will also get a huge thanks!

The truth is I also had a big idea of how I would start off my 2017. The stereotypical, eat well, sugar only on weekends, keep fit and the more personal, write to you more frequently and get a plan together for what the heck I want to do next. Results from the first twelfth are in and shows a slight detour from this grand idea. I have eaten well, if this was to include my love affair with biscuits –sometimes Sugar Sunday is just not enough-, I have tried to exercise more though- maybe once a week sometimes twice but for me that’s good (I am not going red…I just got… warm all of a sudden), I am trying to plan to write to you once or twice a month, I was very lax in my first year of blogging and that didn’t sit well with me- so  I will work harder, designating time each month to try and achieve this aim! Okay I haven’t exactly demonstrated the story I sold myself before New Year, but I am trying to at least grabble with and trying and make possible my intentions. In some ways it is a very, snail-paced process BUT I am moving!!! I am trying to adopt and attitude that says don’t let your next present moment be filled with thoughts which echo ‘actually I could have done that, but I was thinking ‘what if.’ Be present now!!

I am writing this post not only to remind others and myself about the limitless wonders of the present, but to pose a question, ‘what can you/I do now?’ and with this hope that you let yourself hear the knocking of the present. In addition to this hopefully provoking thoughts, I hope that this will facilitate conversation, maybe the present has just revealed itself, maybe the plan-that was just left entitled ‘THE PLAN’- have now mapped itself out, maybe you only now have a vague idea of what you want or maybe you are just shaking your head and saying  “Sorry chick, you lost me at ‘Dear Reader’” . Whatever thoughts you have on this I would love to know!!!

I hope, for those of you still reading this, you have enjoyed you extended stay in the present- a huge thanks!!!

All my love XX

Finding My Shoes

Dear Reader,

The word ‘I’ and it’s frequent uses, used to connote to me egotism and self-absorption; thoughts that inner personal feelings and experiences should only be shared in a few and far between perfectly ‘right timed’ moments, was my thinking. Moments that would be, and sometimes still are, analysed and questioned if it’s ‘okay’ to express my thoughts without my words being visually imagined as some kind of eyesore. BUT, actually talking/writing about the ‘I’ is something to admire; to have confidence to pronounce ‘I am this’ ‘I am not that’ ‘I like this’ and ‘I don’t give a hoot about that’ is something that lacked in me, is something that was wrongfully called being an egotistical jerk (my own ego was winning that fight) and is something to be embraced. So here I AM!!!

Previous posts which I have written have commentated on the world around me, without ever revealing to you who the commentator was. This is what I have realised through conversations with others. This truth should be shared. I have forgotten that one also can find comfort, and perhaps strength in the ‘honesty in your words’ from more personal experience, a very dear soul recently explained to me. So I will now share with you, I.

I will start this new level of honesty by sharing with you something which I rarely talk about (when I do, I skip over it quickly), yet is important to express; not only for some form of self-liberation but, to perhaps encourage others to simply be. I have something called Cerebral Palsy, which is something that affects my muscle coordination. This means I have difficulty walking (or as I like to say, perform dramatic ballet) and due to this, I use a wheelchair to get about most of the time. The reason why I keep this matter needlessly under wraps is out of the want to avoid the fearsomely narrow-minded people. These people are freakily quick to create a story in their mind- you know how that story ended  their ‘H-E-L-L-O.’ Instead of getting to know the person, these people have placed them in already labelled boxes, just by observations, which they do not deserve to be in.( I know I am not in the right box that I was placed in by that uninviting, degrading and patronising ‘H-E-L-L-O.’) Then these boxes are put behind some fancy, closed curtain, that blends with the décor of their room and these people, with these incomprehensible views, forget about what has just happened. But as I think about this, it up to me how I use or not use the opinion of others, it does not need to have an impact.

I started with the disclosure of CP with I have. This is the most important thing for myself and others with CP or with other obstacles to remember; it is something that I have, but it is not who I am! When thinking about CP, I think of it as having a lifelong teacher. I characterise this teacher as a helpful springboard within life, guiding me through times of difficulty, enabling me to discover alternative ways to grasp hold of life. Having CP means my hands are a little shaky, and so I have help from others to assist me with things that would be a little tricky to do otherwise. I have learnt that it is okay not to be a solitary leader all the time; sometimes it nice to turn to someone to seek assurance- but just remember not to lose who YOU are. In turn, my teacher has also taught me another level of gratefulness for the treasured people in my life who have helped me on my way, a million thank yous are simply not enough.

But sometimes, I see my teacher as cruel; my teacher see the things I want and waves it in front of me, like a child at Christmas when they see the thing they want most in a window display, but it is unattainable. I enter this cycle of negativity, asking myself dangerous, too dark to handle, questions such as “What if I didn’t have CP?” “What would life be like without CP?” I go into a dreamy state and start to visualise. Meanwhile time slips, being wasted on figments of imagination, attempting to reply to these ridiculous questions that are impossible to answer. I suddenly refrain from entertaining these thoughts and refuse to be pulled along by a rope surrounded by a foggy, dull and opaque cloud. A more helpful voice interrupts this internal conversation “What have CP given me?”. I start to try and dismantle the trail of thought. I realise that my teacher’s stubborn ways have made me work harder to find myself at the other side of the obstacles it challenges me with. I reflect. The girl who was told she would never sit up can now walk linking arms with someone (this is when I can show off my dramatic ballet- if I feel like it); the girl that used to get nervous when speaking to strangers due to impaired speech is now not as bothered anymore (speaking has got better over time- when there is difficulty being understood why not see as an opportunity to let the voice be heard, again!!); the girl, who at just six/seven years old, once advised to leave mainstream school, thinking I could never achieve,  ignored and proved that advice to be the wrong advice (a huge thank you to my treasured Mum for being my voice here) and went on to deepen my love of learning and went on to study Psychology at university, the girl who used to avoid, or loosely use, the one-lettered word is now saying/writing ‘I’ (a big thank you to my sister, who I simply adore, who have also helped me to find this confidence). With this said the answer to the question “What has CP given me?” is determination. The determination to use my legs for their intended purpose.  The determination to overcome fear and allow my voice to be heard directly. The determination to disprove doubt and succeed in my passions. The determination to find the courage to share personal experiences with you, without my ego being triumphant when nudging me and being annoyingly inquisitive asking “Why are you speaking/writing like that for?” sorry ego you just have to lick your wounds!!!

Coming from this, one of my favourite things about my teacher is when my teacher goes on holiday leaving me, well, to just be me, making their appearance when I need to learn or revisit a lesson I have not grasped. It is these times, when I’m left to be me, when who I AM is let be. I am a member of a family, who have my whole heart. I am a nature lover and enjoy being in its environment, witnessing all of nature’s wonders. I am a bad joker, or so I am told by those who have also chuckled. I am the world’s biggest lover of food, pasta- with melted cheese on top, or a delicious juicy mango, or some strawberries, or chocolate- Dairy Milk’s Marvellous Creations to be precise-, are just some of the foods that make me go starry-eyed. I am a blogger, it is a space where it allows me to share my thoughts, views, imagination, and reflect. Lastly, not written in an intended order nor is it the final thing that I am, is that I am also someone, like many, who is trying to find their way in the world- trying on many shoes, searching for the ones that fit best that maybe are yet to be made.

And there, we have it. I have written with the word ‘I’ and shared with you a little about me! I have realised that the ego does not have to play a role when describing myself. The ego might put on its fancy frock, but it is up to me whether I entertain it. Yes writing this was difficult but I have got to the top of this mountain- the view from here is so liberating!!! If you struggle with speaking/writing from the ‘I,’ try this just once. Do this powered with honesty and resilience. Set yourself free from the prison you have built yourself. Who knows, you might do it again? I know I AM!!!

Thank you so much for reading this.

All my love XX

A Christmas Wish 

Hello Reader,

The Christmas holiday is here and I am very much looking forward to. I hope you are too!!! I get a little more excited every year, I’m sure!!! The reason why I enjoy this season so much is that it is one of the few times,  if not only time, where the noise of the outside life grows quite, enabling one to be fully present for a while.

Christmas has the ability to play different cords of the heart. Sometimes the tune echos love and a sense of elation, allowing one to experience the much longed for time with loved ones and create memories to cherish. But at other times, the Christmas melody unveils a melancholic mood with the vibrant Christmas lights perceived as dim. The latter description of the Christmas sounds connotes the internal suffering one may experience, in a time where there is an expectation to “Have a happy Christmas.”

Over the last few days, and perhaps as I write, people are frantically trying to finish getting their essentials, striving to fulfill an idea of perfection, that is simply non-exsitent. Meanwhile, the true sense of Christmas, having goodwill towards others, is forgotten. Some people this Christmas might be alone or away from loved ones, some people could be sick with the day being seen as another battle to fight an illness that they wish they could triumph and be able to experience Christmas day only as Christmas day. Then there are others who do not have shelter, who are wrongly prejudged by passers-by, who yearn to have someone to exchange Christmas wishes with. If you took a moment to be still and think of those who are less fortunate than you, what would you regard as important? What you refrain from fretting over?  What would replace this panic?

It is important to be thankful for all we have and think about the less privileged. This Christmas the simple gesture to send a wish that everyone will be able to seek comfort and happiness could be what is needed to for someone to feel the sweet sound of Christmas .

Thank you so much for reading this, dear reader, I wish your Christmas brings you love and tranquility.

All my love XX

Big From Small Ways

Hello Readers,

I know it’s been quite some time since I last wrote to you, and for that I am sorry. I managed to, somehow find myself lost in my thoughts, as people do from time to time, and somewhat lost focus of what I was writing; when that happens, how can one then inspire others?

Words are not just words. Words lead to the arrival of emotions, the trigger of thoughts and the onset of behaviours. Even though words have global definitions, I believe words are also individually defined by the very people that speak them. Every one of us feels, thinks, visualises and expresses words in different ways. Therefore it is stunning when one can speak such words that they do not truly mean! How can one separate their feelings from their speech? Do they visually see words and feel what they could imply?  Or do they perceive words as simply a collection of letters that do not encompass any depth? In order to write effectively, one should write through thoughts, not just to fill a blank space that affords writing. From one tiny word, one’s perception of what they are reading or writing about can change in a flash. One may not consider how a word can have such significance, being ignorant to the fact that small ‘things’ hold much power, perhaps greater power, than the entities that create such noise yet holds little substance; the smallest ‘things’, become the biggest and are no longer just ‘things’ anymore. So words would no longer be words. Words would be thoughts. Words would be feelings. Words would lead to actions.

Small ‘things’ are not just found in words, but in daily life; a person’s smile to make your day  brighter, a thoughtful gesture that someone else made to alleviate some the weight you struggled to carry today or maybe a magical moment in nature happened while you were in its environment. However as you were running late, had a careless attitude today or were still thinking over an argument you had- you later forgot, you  did not return that kind smile of the person who you passed on the street that you now wished you emulated; you snapped and disapproved of your work colleague’s help that you now yearned for and wished you showed your appreciation; you dashed past the trees that you now longed to meander by and look up and watch the miraculous autumnal coloured leaves fall so elegantly and quietly to the ground. We often lose sight of the things that brings kindness, joy and a sense of weightlessness to our lives, which would perhaps a shift our focus from our internal world.

Go back over your day: do you now think ‘I should have’? Did you miss an opportunity to experience someone’s kindness? Did you ignore a helpful suggestion? Were you ‘too busy’ to be a part of was a beautiful scene? When you wake up tomorrow, what will you do differently? Is there something small you could do for another? Sometimes to be brave doesn’t mean to do something completely extreme, but simply to go a little outside of your comfort zone. You could be the reason why another person smiles. So stop living inside yourself!

All my love XX

Enjoyment and Connections

Hello Readers,

The word enjoyment…what does it mean to you? What connotations does enjoyment have? Do you have an immediate image in your mind when you hear that word? Perhaps of a place or of a specific person?  What feelings to you experience when you think of the word enjoyment?

Enjoyment, the sense of enjoyment is unique to every individual; the passion, the enchanting nature, the singular or multiple elements of entities that drives one to ever find themselves lost in the joyful state. These are precious moments that should be cherished as it gives one a chance to get in touch with their ‘true self’ being reminded of freeing, calming, fun and joyful nature inside them; they are able to go back to the place where they are just ‘let be’. Maybe out of these times whereby they are able to indulge in thrilling experiences, they can recognise qualities in themselves that they have perhaps overlooked or were inattentive to before.

An exciting aspect of enjoyment is that the entity you take pleasure in could be shared by others, other people you may not know; you and that mystery person(s) already have a connection, you just have to go in search of those who are on the other end of the link.

Place yourself in a music concert- the first cord on guitar is strummed, the first note on the piano is played and the first beat on the drum is echoed, it is THE song everyone knows. Now for my favourite bit- looking around and seeing, feeling the vibrations of excitement amongst hundreds of individuals, radiating what you are feeling-all singing the same words and waving their hands in unison. The atmosphere is electric with joy all for one reason and if a person a members of the crowd ‘Why do you like this band?,’ you would find that similar responses would be given- you might even find two people give the exact same answer.

My example of a concert is on a big scale, but even if you were to consider a form of enjoyment that was more individualised to you, you are guaranteed that there is at least another person in the world with similar appreciations as you. This comes to remind you and I that no one is ever completely alone, if you only looked around.

So, go and find what it is you enjoy, what it is that you have deep happiness in doing and..do it!! Even if there is a wall of fear jump over to the other side and find out the answer to ‘what if?’. Most importantly enjoy!!

Until next time,

All my love XX